Former Self,
I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you are an idiot. You are doing and saying things that are totally frowned upon in society. Buffoon-y things, really. It’s not your fault, you don’t know any better. Adulthood is foreign to you.
Even though you are a well-intentioned idiot, your current self feels obligated to give you a little feedback. Here are 10 pieces of advice for you, in no particular order:
1. Please STOP outing people who you think might be pregnant! Yes, you were clever enough to notice that your friend (or acquaintance!) isn’t drinking at dinner. But that doesn’t mean you need to yell across the table “You’re pregnant! I know you’re pregnant!” Your friend (and definitely your casual acquaintance) does NOT WANT TO BE OUTED. Did you hear me? That’s why she did not make an announcement. She will do so when she is ready, which will probably be in about 12 weeks, after she has had an ultrasound and confirms that things look promising. It will probably not be 2 days into her pregnancy, before the appetizers arrive.
2. Stop judging speed walking moms. Yeah, I get it. It doesn’t look like real exercise to you. Yes, your 22 year-old self is managing to prance past these moms with ease. You know why? Because your 22 year-old boobs aren’t milk grenades ready to explode with each step. You don’t know it yet, but the fact that these moms are out of the house and in forward motion at all is a triumph of will over gravity. Your 34 year-old self *may* achieve the walking part, but will certainly not be adding any speed to the equation.
Enjoy it now. You won’t be this fleet of foot for much longer.
3. I know you are very, very excited to go visit your work friend who has just now given birth. I know you feel that it is your duty to visit her at the hospital AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. That it would be rude, in fact, not to. I mean, you’ve worked with her for like 6 months already! I know you think that she is hoping for a visit from her random 22 year old co-worker, moments after her first-born has crowned. You know what? SHE ISN’T! She probably doesn’t even want to see her parents yet. She certainly does not want to see you before the Apgar scores are in. Send an Edible Arrangement and visit her in a month, you jackass.
4. Please stop saying to brand new parents “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” They will inevitably tell you “No, we’re all set, thanks.” That is bullshit. They are so far from “all set” that they can’t even see “all set” in the distance. Just take initiative and BE HELPFUL. They probably want a lasagna. Make Buy a lasagna and drop it off on their doorstep. Include bread and butter too. And maybe some horse tranquilizers and an enema. And adult diapers if it’s the first week postpartum.
5. Stop silently judging public breast feeders. You will someday be a public breastfeeder. Maybe even, on occasion, at a bar. Baby needs a drink. Momma really needs a drink. Avert your 22 year-old eyes and re-focus them on your Smirnoff Ice Natty Light.
6. DO try to remember that infants do not have neck control. You NEED TO SUPPORT THE NECK, 22 year-old me. I really cannot stress this point enough.
7. When you see a tiny, tiny baby at the Food Court, PLEASE do not exclaim, “That baby could use some more time in the oven!” That baby is probably a preemie, you asshat. That baby’s parents have probably just gone through a very stressful experience as a result of the oven deciding that time was up a little early. Head immediately to Taco Bell and avert your eyes from the baby. Also do not speak. At all. Except to order 3 Crunchy Taco Supremes. They’re not mind readers over at Taco Bell after all.
8. You really do not need to tell new moms how tired they look. They know they are tired. And they know how they look. Saying, “Wow, you look really tired!” is not informative to a new mom. I am quite sure of this one, as I did not appreciate it one bit when the National Grid guy told me how exhausted I looked the other day. Thanks, National Grid guy. I was unclear on that point. I thought I looked like I just stepped out of a weeklong spa retreat. Younger me: don’t be the National Grid guy.
9. Do not question the sanity of the woman swaying back and forth at the grocery store, gently cradling a cantaloupe. She is probably coming off of an 8 hour shift of swaying her colicky baby to sleep, and has just now escaped her house for a blessed break. Yes, she is interacting with the cantaloupe as if it’s her child. She can’t help it. It’s like when you get off a boat and still feel the waves on dry land. In just over a decade you, too, will find yourself swaying with a cantaloupe in public, no baby in sight. At that time you will be hoping that people give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you are an exhausted mother rather than a creep with a fruit fetish.
10. Young self: stop unbuttoning your pants at dinner to make room for more food. It’s not that 34 year-old me finds this offensive. It’s just that current me still does this, and now realizes that it’s a move better saved for post-pregnancy. That way when you blame it on the pregnancy your husband and friends can’t accuse you of always having done it. Trust me, younger self, you will want this move to be fresh later, when you really need it.
What advice would you give to your earlier self? Don’t worry, your former self can take it.
Dare I say, I wish the 22 year old Liz could reply with “10 pieces of advise for my 34 year old self”
Love it Ben! I will take that under advisement.
But some of these stories are my favorite younger you stories! I won’t comment on whether or not I ever thought you were a tiny bit of an asshat for any reason, cuz I love ya and you had the best stories…ever.
Thanks Mel! Yes, some of these stories may combine both ass-hattery with nostalgia, and they did lead to some good laughs. Being an asshat sometimes does that. It’s a double edged sword 🙂
Loving it! Although I was not 22… My friend reminded me the other day that I told her she should be doing at home work out videos on her maternity leave…
Ha! Amazing. I’m sure she really appreciated your guidance on postpartum fitness 🙂 I sure would!
Remember that time when we first met and were wearing the same exact outfit? I’m glad the dress/sweater combo made an appearance in this post. Thank you, Ann Taylor.
Toni, I really like your eye for detail.
“If you pierce those now, you’ll have a hell of a time explaining the scars to the lactation consultant.”
22 year old me: “what’s a lactation consultant?”
Good one! That reminds me that I should have added that under no circumstances would I recommend having a tattoo in the general vicinity of your stomach. Not even in the same zip code as your stomach.
Getting serious for a moment… Another angle to this is I was self critical about all the things I didn’t know or do well, as a child. My mother had high expectations for how her children should present themselves. Later, as an adult, observing children, at different ages of development, was confirmation that my thoughts/actions were truly age appropriate at the time.
Hmm that’s an interesting point. I probably should have been a little more clued in about womanhood at 22, but it’s nice to be able to look back and to some extent realize you just didn’t know what you were doing. No harm intended.
The Natty Light pic may or may not be from your 2nd date with Brian at the brewery when you got accidentally black-out drunk and brought him home to meet our parents and have dinner (while you napped on the couch).
Good guess but no! Sadly I don’t think that night was documented. I will admit that the Natty Light pic is not from when I was 22. I had to go a little later for that one, it’s hard to quickly find sufficient photo illustrations of yourself as a 22 year old.
I just laughed so hard! I just cannot imagine you being so mean! I think you should add that if they do not want lasagna, doing some laundry is also a nice thank you- even if it is just the onesies that somehow always manage to have poop on them within five minutes!
Yeah, none of any of this was ever said (or thought, for that matter) in a mean spirit, even when I was so clueless. I was a benign idiot, I just didn’t quite “get” certain aspects of womanhood…ha! And absolutely yes to the laundry. Amen. That being said, who doesn’t like lasagna??
Not to be all serious, but I’ve been thinking about the breast feeding one lately. I keep seeing young girls (or maybe they’re creepy old men with avatars of young girls) commenting on stories about breastfeeding. Shut up with your “take it to the bathroom” rants, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Karma is going to bite you in the boob someday, sweetheart.
I totally agree. Until you’re trying to sustain a (in my case 20 pound) baby on breast milk, I don’t think you’re in a good place to have a strong opinion on how and where the feedings should happen. I get that people like some discretion in public, fair enough, but the idea of running to a public bathroom every time your kid needs to eat seems ridiculous to me now. I’ve just been feeding Nolan wherever, covering up as best as possible, and calling it a day. So far I haven’t had any issues with this, but I’m guessing other moms have. I’d be curious how often people have others say things to them about breastfeeding in public, actually.
Oh, and to be clear, even in my younger days I never commented about any else’s breastfeeding. I just think it used to make me wonder why moms would do it in public, not getting how logistically challenging it would be to always be home to breastfeed! Unless you are adopting a hermit lifestyle, which I’m sure is lovely…