Great news! It’s Moms’ Night Out. One of those rare occasions that you can kick back, unwind, and laugh with some friends. In addition to the promise of wine and cheese, you can also bet that you’ll be socializing with some interesting mom types on your night off. In no particular order, The 11 Women You Meet at Moms’ Night Out:
1. The “I Don’t Know My Limits” Mom – This mom is really ready for some fun! She just had a baby and as a result is completely unclear on what her current limits are. Two years ago she could down four glasses of wine no problem. In her current state she’ll get blitzed after her second sip of chardonnay. You may discover her dancing on a table which really isn’t meant for dancing (since you’re not at a club you’re at The Cheesecake Factory, and also it’s Wednesday). Be patient with her, she needs to unwind and she’ll only be a drunken shit-show for a few more months.
2. The Selfie Enthusiast – The Selfie Enthusiast’s main goal is not to enjoy the night, but to document it for social media. If you find yourself on Moms’ Night Out with The Selfie Enthusiast, you’ll most likely be pulled into multiple group shots a la Ellen at the Oscars with people you don’t really know and certainly aren’t having the “Best Time Ever!!” with, despite what the caption on Instagram says.
3. The Check-In Every 5 Minutes Mom — The Check-In Every 5 Minutes Mom isn’t accustomed to leaving her baby with a sitter, and she can’t stop checking her phone for updates. Is her baby crying? Is she sleeping? Does she have a fear of the sitter that will leave permanent scars on her psyche? This mom will excuse herself for multiple runs to the bathroom, which cannot possibly all be to urinate. You can only conclude that short of a cocaine problem this mom is secretly calling the sitter to make sure her kid hasn’t choked on applesauce.
4. The Mompreneur – You thought you were going to a friend’s house for dinner. WRONG! You are actually at a 3-D Lashes sales event in disguise. Your local mompreneur has tricked you, and before the end of the night you will be asked to buy $1,000 worth of merchandise, become a sales rep, and host the next “party”. Good luck with that.
5. The Expert – This mom has read all the books on all the things relating to the care and maintenance of children. She can’t keep this information to herself, because that would be selfish, so The Expert makes a point of filling the group in on the latest research regarding co-sleeping, forward facing car seats, and the optimal time to start weaning. As much as you would love to talk with your friends about the finale of The Bachelor, you probably won’t have time since you’ll be too busy hearing about the link between sugar and ADHD.
6. The Den Mother – The Den Mother should be off duty tonight, but she just cannot stop herself from throwing together a lasagna, fruit salad, and cupcakes. She brought along “to go” bags just in case. She has Tums and Tylenol in the event you should need either. She calls you “honey”. The Den Mother is pretty useful at Moms’ Night Out, unless she concludes that things are getting out of hand and calls Uber before 7:00 p.m. to ensure that nobody overindulges.
7. The Circa 1985 Meg Ryan– Everyone hopes to get a Circa 1985 Meg Ryan at their moms’ night out. This mom is adorable, funny, and accessibly hot. Her abs make zero sense given how many children she has birthed. Do the laws of physics not apply to her? Unclear. You may or may not have a girl crush on this mom, and you’ll be just slightly nervous to sit near her because you want to invite her to join a book club and don’t want to blow it. While she is unfailingly pleasant, you and she both know who has the upper hand here.
8. The Oversharer – Moms’ Night Out is The Oversharers dream come true. She has been regaling everyone with tales of her various ailments and neuroses via Facebook for months, but there is nothing like having a captive live audience to listen to the details of her challenges with fibroids.
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