7 Pieces of Advice from Young Me to Current Me (A Rebuttal)

Last week, 34 year-old Liz gave 22 year-old Liz a piece of her mind in the post 10 Pieces of Advice for My 22 Year-Old Self. Today, per my good friend Ben’s suggestion, 22 year old Liz is going to return the favor. Watch out, me!

Dear 34 Year Old Self,

I heard you loud and clear the other day. Sure 22 year-old Liz was kind of an idiot, but I’ll tell you what, 22 year-old Liz knew a few things about having a good time! Also she knew slightly more about self-maintenance than 34 year old Liz. (*note: those of you who know me personally are aware that I didn’t know a lot more about self-maintenance, but I did know a tiny amount more).

So now, current Liz, a few pieces of advice from your younger self:

1. Going to Target does NOT constitute a “really fun afternoon.” Yes, Target is enticing in a way that is hard to articulate. Yes, there is something about the smell, the shine, the organization, and the many, many useful categories of merchandise on offer. It is intoxicating to 34 year-old Liz, I know. But. Current Liz. Please get a grip on yourself. Do not be fooled into thinking that a trip to Target should be made into a recreational activity on par with something actually fun, like a booze cruise or a day at Fenway Park. Going to Target falls under the umbrella of doing errands. “Doing errands” is not really a blast, as any 22 year old with an even passable social life will tell you.  Not to be a buzz kill, but please try to remember this the next time you excitedly put on your best sweatpants to head to Target. Also, pronouncing it with a French accident really doesn’t make it cooler.

Calm down. You’re embarrassing me.

2. This is a big one Liz, so I am going to say it in capital letters: PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO SEE MORE THAN ONE PICTURE OF YOUR BABY, UNLESS THE PEOPLE ARE YOUR PARENTS. Actually, many people don’t even want to see one picture of your baby. Got it? I know you’re going to ignore this one. You’ve been ignoring it for months. You find yourself caught up in the moment, and you think, “But this picture is SO CUTE! And so is this one! Look at him from this angle! And wait, look at what his hair doing in this photo! I’m sure {insert random person’s name} will want to see this picture, who wouldn’t?!” Liz. You only think this because you are a new mom. Go ahead and keep posting your photos on Instagram, but try to stop showing photos on your iPhone to people in line at the bank.

Want to see my baby multiple times from slightly different angles? No? Maybe just a quick peek anyway.

3. Remember that you are an interesting person who can talk about a variety of things. World events (Ok, not really world events. But at least entertainment gossip). You are fully capable of talking about things other than your child’s sleep patterns and bowel movements. This should hold true even when you’re in the company of other new moms. You’re finding this very hard right now, I know. You sit down with a group of other new moms and straightaway you’re all, “I’ve noticed that the consistency of my baby’s feces has been quite different since I started him on carrots. Are you finding that to be the case?” Try not to start conversations this way, for the love of God.

4. I’m gonna be straight up with you. Saying you are just now “letting yourself go” is a lie. We all know it. It’s an easy thing to say, because with a new baby you know that this is sort of socially sanctioned. I know the notion that it’s socially acceptable really appeals to you. You see a mental green light for publicly wearing your pajamas and you think “jackpot!!” Truth be told you have been letting yourself go for YEARS. Basically since 9th grade, maybe a little sooner. The headgear in 7th grade may have actually been the official start. No matter, you’ve always felt GREAT! That feeling was unwarranted.

I know we both remember when you peaked. You had that one good year in 2003, but then, if you recall, once you reached that pinnacle of looks and fitness you proceeded to gain 20 pounds, turn pasty white while traveling in Ireland, and cut a mullet on a dare.

Sometimes it’s ok to pass on a dare, Liz.

That pretty much did you in for the next decade, remember? There was that brief comeback for your wedding, which come on, we all knew was a flash in the pan even at the time.

Ok, you’re right, the above comments weren’t really “advice” in any traditional sense. But someone had to say it.

5. Showers are REALLY important for dating, but also, by extension, for marriage. I know that showers seem optional to you right now. But Liz. Showers are not optional. Showers are a basic personal care task. Speaking of which, brushing your teeth is not optional either. And shave your legs once in awhile. Dear God. You know this, Liz. I shouldn’t have to tell you.

6. Remember back when you were younger, and someone would think up a great idea for a weekend getaway, or propose some adventure that sounded so awesome you just went and did it? I know it’s way harder to act like that now. I know that the idea of packing up your infant to go to the supermarket now seems like the equivalent of packing your single self for a backpacking trip to Europe. But some of the gear you tote around with you is excessive. Your baby can leave the house without 4 squeaking giraffes. He DOES NOT need a Bobo Hand. WTF is a Bobo Hand, anyway?

He’s pretty much ok with just his toes for entertainment. Keep some perspective here. Yeah, life is logistically harder now. But try not to let that keep you from being spontaneous now and then. Your family can take it. It will be good for them. And for you.

Ok, zip lining in New Zealand with your infant may be aggressive. But you can take a trip to New Hampshire overnight without renting a U-Haul.

Come on guys, I can take it! Break the routine once in awhile.

7. Current me- your underwear are COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. I know you want to yell back that 22 year-old Liz wasn’t exactly rocking this area either. True. But let’s just say that getting the adult-diaper sized stretchable undies as a parting gift from the maternity ward has not exactly done you any favors. That gift was never meant to keep on giving. I know they’re amazingly comfortable. But Liz. Come on.

If your younger self could see you now, what would he or she say?