As a new mother, it’s impossible not to watch more experienced moms (read: any mom with a baby at least 6 weeks older than your baby) and feel a tinge of envy. How is she doing that {insert whatever random and not very impressive task she is doing} with such ease!?? Why do I look like such a rank amateur when all these other moms have it so together?
This is the question plaguing us all. Some of us are also plagued by mastitis and the question of what in the world is thrush, but that’s not the point. The point is: some day you will be the experienced mom of a baby who is at least 6 weeks older than someone else’s baby, and people will be looking up to you as the “experienced parent.” How, then, can you tell when you have “arrived,” so to speak, as a hip new mom who has her act together?
8 Ways to Tell You’ve “Arrived” as a Mom
1. You successfully navigate Trader Joe’s while wearing your baby in an Ergo, Beco, or other such hip and fancy baby carrier. You are NOT toting your little one around in his carseat, canned soups perched precariously on top of his head. You are NOT asking passers-by how to fit said car seat into the carriage. Why? Because YOU are an experienced and cool mom who has her act together, that’s why!
You float through the grocery store, a veritable moving portrait of with-it-ness. You make confident eye contact with the other with-it moms who are also wearing their babies. Yes, your eyes say, we both TOTALLY know what we’re doing here.
Your eyes also say “I’d love to meet you for a playdate at which our babies, who are too young to socialize, eat their own toes while we talk about the trials of breastfeeding.”
You may also achieve hip new mom status by shopping at Whole Foods with your baby, even if the baby IS in her carseat. That’s because you got extra points for being at Whole Foods. You may never achieve this status at Market Basket, because at Market Basket you will just look like a jackass using your Ergo. That being said, Market Basket has really great deals, so probably you and I should just go there.
2. You know where the most important sh*t in your diaper bag is. Like, the diapers and the wipes. Also, those items are actually in your bag when you need them, versus, say, your lipgloss and a People magazine being handy. Not having the key items when your 3 month old is peeing all over his own face in the changing room at Buy Buy Baby just makes you look clueless.
Not that I would know. Except that I would totally know because, you guys, that was Nolan and me. You have arrived if you are the mom who knows that if you thought you’d need 2 changes of clothes you’ll actually need 11. The old you would be 9 outfits short. Not the new you. The new with-it you is prepared.
3. You can put on your baby’s diaper while talking on the phone. For the first few weeks, diaper changing will require your full concentration. You will be covered in fecal matter even WITH your full concentration, so you can only imagine what would happen if you were to be distracted.
I suffered an early defeat in this realm at the pediatrician’s office. I panicked when I was told by the nurse that it was time to put Nolan’s diaper on after his exam. I tried to act cool, like the mother of a 6 week old and not of a 2 week old, but my nerves got the best of me. Flustered, knowing that I was being watched and judged, I fumbled the diaper and put it on backwards. Brian of course knew I botched this most simple of tests, but he did not want to intervene with the nurse in the room. That ship was sinking alone.
Once you have “arrived” you will have the contours of the diaper memorized. YOU will be a diaper prodigy. You can even take a phone call during this task. You will probably still be covered in feces, especially if you just started your baby on carrots. But, let’s be honest, your baby’s bright orange and kinda solid poop also screams of experience. It’s not that runny bullshit from the first 2 months.
4. You can breastfeed semi-discreetly. Please do not confuse this with moms who nurse their babies IN the baby carriers while walking around – we are not shooting for that level of skill. I just mean you can breastfeed in front of others without creating an entirely ridiculous scene straight from the pages of National Geographic.
For the first two weeks of Nolan’s life I was never NOT topless. Not because I had some hippy-mom vision of myself, but because I could NOT control my boobs and the baby at once. A shirt added a layer of complexity to the equation that I couldn’t fathom dealing with.
(Note: Formula feeding mothers, you can still “arrive” as a new mom, you just probably don’t need to be topless *quite* as often to do so. Feel free, of course, to be topless as often as you please.)
5. You can perform high stakes tasks on your baby such as taking a rectal temperature and cutting his nails. Both tasks hold for new moms the fear of destroying their precious cargo. The rectal is really easy in reality, but let’s be honest – nobody wants to be the first one to stick anything into the great beyond of their baby’s nether regions. It’s probably how Lewis and Clark felt at some point.
And the nails? As Brian once told me post-early cutting attempt, “Nolan’s onesie looks like a crime scene.” But once you are an experienced and with-it mother, you can shove the thermometer right on up the old behind if your baby so much as looks warm. And you can cut those nails with garden shears. {note: Hip moms don’t use garden shears. That was just a joke. Please keep your shears in the shed and away from your baby, he/she still has very tiny hands}.
6. You can deftly manage a swaddle. Prior to Nolan’s birth, Brian and I spent hours studying the nuances of swaddling our baby. We practiced using the fancy Aden and Anais blankets that are roughly the size of picnic blankets. We practiced on a teddy bear while following along with You Tube videos.
We totally dominated that teddy bear, and then we had a baby and realized that we did not have the patience or need to do high end origami designs on our little meatball. So now we use velcro swaddles. Done and done. *In this category you are probably “hipper” if you use the Aden & Anais picnic blankets. But velcro is really easy. You will have to make a judgment call.
7. You can carry the baby in your arms alongside other less precious items, say a laptop or basketball or, if you are super experienced, a mini fridge. When you first have your baby you think that carrying him anywhere is a task as delicate as neurosurgery. What if you trip? What if your baby falls from your arms? What could go wrong?
You know you’ve “arrived” if you can manage to get to a mommy group with your baby in one hand and your Dunks coffee, keys and purse in the other. You don’t need to bring your lawnmower to prove your point.
8. It does not require you, your significant other, and a backup pit crew to bathe your baby. You have arrived as a mom when you can manage the bath solo. There is a caveat to this, which is that your baby needs to actually get clean. It doesn’t count if he just sort of splashes and marinates in his own filth.
So, new moms, if you meet the above criteria you have officially arrived! You know what you are doing, at least as compared to the mother of a newborn! Congratulations! Now, of course I think we are all clear that we have no idea what in the hell we’re doing as compared to actual experienced parents of grown children, but that’s beside the point. For now.
{Author’s note: Earlier I mentioned the rare breed of new mom who can breastfeed her baby IN the carrier (Moby, Ergo, Crafty Handmade Woven Number, etc). You ladies, if by some chance you are reading this blog and not a much cooler blog like Girls Gone Child, are in an ENTIRELY different category. You are the Usain Bolts of new motherhood. You should only set up your play dates with Angelina Jolie, because she is on your level. Everyone else reading this: NEVER compare yourself to this breed of new mother. You can only lose. If you pass this mother at Trader Joe’s keep your eyes on the prepared foods and $4 bottles of wine.}
Have you arrived as a parent? What do you think qualifies you for this very elite status? Comment below!
Nicci
I carried my newborn in one arm and my toddler in the other, down a flight of stairs while simultaneously carrying cloth diapers in one hand and the dog’s leash in the other. Am I there?
Although I think when 2 children become involved, a new list is required. All those rookie things I thought were awesome, like changing a diaper in the dark, are replaced by truly awesome things like breastfeeding while walking around my house. *Without* a carrier.
🙂
Liz
Woah, Nicci, you are SUPER advanced! Yes, parents of more than 1 child need to be in another category! Nursing and walking carrier-free? That is beyond my wildest imaginings right now…
Nicci
It’s usually when I have to reprimand my toddler for not following directions. LOL. So I can “handle” 2 babies but not make them listen. 😉
Courtney
For me, “arriving” was being able to leave the house at all with dos babies solo! The sheer thought of that in the early days was like being alone in shark infested waters!
Liz
Readers: Courtney is referencing her IDENTICAL TWIN GIRLS. I-DEN-TI-CAL. Newborns. She can shop at Market Basket all day, never field another phone call again, and call in the SWAT Team for baths and she’d still be in a higher category than the rest of us. Except for Angelina Jolie.
Courtney
Bahaha thanks Liz, I’ll see first hand in July the hilarity of twins. My sister and I were on the phone this am laughing about me changing a poopy diaper while on phone that is a skill I’ve mastered!!! I love reading ur blog as we all feel the same way as u and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Keep the hilarity coming
Katie
First, Nolan is sooooo cute. Can you believe it’s 7 months!!? Your posts have me laughing out loud…and reading them to everyone around me. I have become that annoying person who reads things to other people. It’s so nice to know that I am not the only one who feels like I have two left feet and am all thumbs, at times…but actually wishes I had three arms and wheels on my feet to keep up and juggle it all!
Liz
Thanks Katie! My dad always reads things to me. It’s a lovely trait in a parent 🙂
Jai
This was a good laugh! I actually managed to nurse my little guy in the baby k’tan while cooking once. It was a fluke though, never happened again. I made my first mommy friend with a lady that has an 8 month old and my little guy is 4 months. I think she’s amazing because she goes out and does stuff everyday and her baby sleeps through the night. I only have The courage to take my baby out once or twice a week. I literally look up to hrs like wow you go out for lunch with the baby?
Michelle
I am about to have my 4th child and I STILL don’t feel like I have “arrived.”
Ankara Mom
I find this blog therapeutic. Now that I have a toddler and a newborn I have neither time nor money to go to an actual therapist. But that didn’t stop me from getting a wash and blow dry at the salon the other day…with the baby in the sling! Mm hmm. Mild child endangerment or a sign that I have arrived?
Liz
I love it!
First, I like that you find this blog therapeutic! I was a school counselor until recently, so maybe now I will just pretend that this blog is my office and my readers are my clients 🙂
And that is very slight child endangerment for the sake of having “arrived,” so I say – congratulations!
Marnie
My boyfriend and I looked like complete idiot’s for AT LEAST our sons first 3 doctors appointments. We would forget something every time. “You can undress him and wrap him in his blanket”…Um how about his car seat cover? Wait..he pooped during the 12 minute drive? Can we borrow a diaper…and wipes? Little blue immunization book? We’ll be sure to bring it next time. We were so proud of ourselves the first time we remembered everything!
Liz
Ha! I love it. This is how I feel 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time I’m asleep.
Courtney
I also wrapped my baby in the car seat cover at the doctors! So glad I’m not alone there.
Liz
I am feeling better and better, thanks guys! Pants-less Nolan also thanks you, he was feeling alone for awhile there.
Marnie
I’m sure it comes as no surprise that we were late to all of those appointments.
Rosie
I’ll see you at market basket – using my ergo like a db. By the 3rd kid you don’t care. Tho mine are so spread out I need to keep learning how the equipment works.