When becoming a new parent, there are a myriad of decisions to make. Breastfeed or bottle feed? Circumcise or don’t circumcise? (Parents of girls, you dodged a REAL bullet there).
What type of stroller should I get? A “jogger” even though I have no real intention of jogging with my baby, ever? Or a double stroller, so that I can plan for a second child, or possibly pick up hitchhikers?
Am I really supposed to save the placenta? Really??
But, there is one question that trumps them all. The big question. What type of mom am I going to be? What is my “philosophy” of parenting? And here the stakes are higher.
Sure, you can “un-circumcise” your kid (*note: I’m not totally sure you can actually do that. You maybe can’t do that). But you definitely cannot undo the deep psychological scars you will inflict on your child by choosing the wrong path when it comes to what type of mom you are going to be. Let’s review our options:
Westerners are total pussies. China knows this. The Tiger mother knows this. If you decide to be a Tiger mother you have to commit to supervising 12-16 hours of piano practice a day.
The remaining hours can be spent on quantum physics, or, if your child is very young, advanced chemistry. Do not choose this route if you enjoy leisure activities such as eating or bathing. You will not have time for any of this.
You really want to bond with your child, which is unlike other regular parents who don’t care if they form an attachment with their child.
Your child should be up in your grill at all times, ideally directly on you. If you forget to wear one item of clothing out of the house, it’s ok as long as it’s your pants.
You better be wearing your child. Do not choose this philosophy if you cannot afford an Ergo and/or do not have the manual dexterity to fashion a woven wrap out of your own hair.
Oh, and then there’s this. This looks time consuming, so consider that when making your choice:
You CANNOT afford to miss a detail of your child’s life. You are your child’s best advocate when doing so results in a higher grade on his report card. You love parent-teacher conferences! LOVE THEM!
This may seem like an appealing option right now, as you hold your newborn and picture him at Yale. But try to realistically assess your stamina if you are considering going this route.
If you are a true helicopter parent you have to commit to parent-teacher conferences through graduate school. Possibly even through post-doctoral programs. You will be REALLY OLD by then, especially if you are a mother of Advanced Maternal Age now. All you will want to do at that point is play some Keno and call it a day.
This is not so much your choice. Society will tell you if you get to be a MILF. If you’re not sure, just put your photo on Tinder and you’ll get decisive feedback.
I’m not eligible for MILF-Hood due to my excessive use of sweatpants and the fact that I haven’t shaved my legs in a week.
Hold the phone. There is a NEW CHOICE? A totally groundbreaking philosophy for me to consider!?
Yes, there is. I just made it up so I know it’s a real thing. And it’s the “Liger Mom.”
The Lazy Tiger, for those moms who have high hopes but low energy.
This option may appeal to you, as it did to me, because it combines my general notions of wanting success for my child with pervasive laziness.
The Liger Mom understands that China is kicking our ass, but also really enjoys watching The Real Housewives of All the Cities, and therefore does not have time for enforcing piano practice.
Also the Liger mother doesn’t remember anything about quantum physics.
Liger moms produce Liger cubs, so if you are trying to decide if you would fit comfortably into this category of mom, you should check your offspring, as I did mine, for telltale signs that you already have a Liger cub on your hands.
I hate to say this, because he is my baby and the great love of my life (along with Brian and cheese), but Nolan is lazy.
I started to suspect he may be a Liger Cub, and me a Liger Mom, back during his stint in day care. One morning I heard Vanessa gently scolding a 3 year-old day care attendee for not confessing to having thrown up on the table.
It was clear this little girl had thrown up because she was alone in the room and the sleeve of her sweater had obviously been dragged through a pool of vomit that was still lying on the table in front of her.
She insisted that no, it wasn’t her! But it had to be her!
Oh wait, no.
It was actually my lazy little liger Nolan, who puked on the table over my shoulder, was too lazy to clean it up OR EVEN MENTION IT, and then had his friend framed. He was only caught because he was also too lazy to wipe the residual vomit from his mouth.
Nolan is also notoriously lazy when it comes to sending out personalized holiday cards. His cousins Luke and Abby always remember holiday cards, even on minor holidays like St. Patrick’s Day!
Nolan usually forgets, or is shamed into card-making last minute when he remembers that his cousins are more thoughtful than he is. This is a telltale sign of a Liger Mom/Liger Cub combo.
If you are the mother of a Liger Cub you may notice excessive sloth, and pervasive lack of ambition when it comes to the physical realm.
While Nolan watches his peers roll around, grasping at objects and intimating crawling, he simply remains on his back, half-assedly pedaling his woman legs. Legs that need to change soon if he wants to avoid me buying his clothes at Lane Bryant.
For my part, I feel at home as a Liger Mother.
Sure I casually encourage things like tummy time and eating pea purees. But do I lose my shit if Nolan flails himself out of tummy time, determined to stick to his lethargy? Hell no! And what of it if he refuses a little pea puree? It’s disgusting!
My plan is to do what good mothers have been doing for years and years, before we were asked to choose a “philosophy” instead of just being moms.
I’m going to send my kid outside to play, give him space to explore and try things for himself, and encourage him where I can.
Then I will hope for the best.
And also probably take him to piano and swimming lessons every week.
(Let’s not get too crazy here. China is kicking our ass, remember?)
Which type of mom are you? Any Liger Mothers out there? I’d like to form a liger-pack, like a wolf-pack. Please reveal yourselves.
Ooh I think I aspire to be a liger mom as well! I can’t have child rearing get in the way of my rigorous hair coloring and mani-pedi treatments.
Exactly. Priorities are key.
Those thighs are scrumptious. I heard that Chico’s is having a sale…
Chico’s is a good idea. Lane Bryant is a little dated for the look Nolan is trying to achieve. Chico’s is super trendy right now.
Don’t overlook the fact that Brian’s active Dad tendencies will help offset Liger mom’s dominant influence. And I am quite confident that not-quite 7-month old Nolan will outgrow those thighs, delightful as they may be.
Pasca, I am just hoping he outgrows them by the 7th grade. That’s all I ask.
LOVE Nolan’s thighs…just noticed Harrison’s 10 month old thighs look “less-rolly fat” and felt sad about it. They are the one trait he got from me…also that Classic Tiger Cub photo is amazing-you should slap that on a Snapfish “make your own photo card” and send it out for any hallmark holiday you want…
Ha! I love that his rolly thighs are “the one trait he got” from you. Good stuff!
Oh my God, I want to come over right now and nibble on one of those adorable thighs!! He is so gorgeous. Don’t worry, he’ll kick China’s ass right back when he’s good and ready…
Thanks Nic! Come on over anytime, you can gnaw on Nolan’s drumsticks very easily, as he is immobile.
I’m Totally a Liger Mom!!! But I think my daughter wishes I was a tiger mom. My daughter is 4 months and I let her do things on her schedule. She was ready to move to the crib, I put her there cuz I was exhausted one night and gave up. She pulled her hands outbof her swaddle before I had to introduce it.
Maybe your daughter is a tiger cub. It’s always interesting when a liger mom pairs off with a tiger cub daughter. It’s an exciting merger!
Sue Faria Smith
Uncle Eric wants to know if Nolie is wearing a parachute in the “Liger Cub” photo. What the hell does he have strapped to him? As an aside, I don’t think I qualify as a Liger Mom since it’s my kid who sends out the cards on even the most minor of holidays. That being said, I don’t fit into any of the other categories either. Make up some more! When Abby was Nolan’s age, I was in survival mode and broke every parenting rule in every freaking parenting book ever written:) I was too tired to have a philosophy.
Ha! Tell Uncle Eric that it’s not a parachute, it’s a backpack. With Nolan’s name on it. Who doesn’t wear a backpack topless?
Also, I should have given a photo credit to Abby. It is her “I Love You” card in the post!
I’m more of a liger-copter mom., I think there are some hybrid options here. Nolan’s thighs are just ridiculously awesome, just like his topless photo :).
Yes, there are definitely hybrid options. The liger-copter is a double threat, like J-Lo, but one threat short.
I’m a liger-mom. I feel that my show on TV should trump dinner on many occasions. I want them to be self sufficient, shouldn’t they make their own and possibly mine at this point?
Exactly. I especially like the “especially mine at this point” part of your comment. Ha!
I’m trying to achieve Liger status! I told Conz he had to do SOME activity so I let him peruse the Y’s catalog and pick something. He picked the only non athletic offering- “mini skateboard ramp building”. We went to the first class and he was the only one signed up. The teacher was a 50 year old stoner named Sean. Sean informed me that he had recently moved with his teenage son here from Hawaii and that he enjoys skateboarding and surfing. He started telling me more about his son but then said “nah, you’ll meet him.” (I will??)
Anyway, when I picked Conz up from the class I asked Sean how it went and he said “good, we didn’t get any building done. We mostly just talked about Minecraft”
When we got home Nate said “so… we just paid the y 80 dollars so our son could talk to a stranger about Minecraft? ” (Yup!!) On the plus side, Conz told me Sean taught him how to harvest sugar cane.
Chrissie, you may want to consider giving Sean partial custody of your children. He sounds worldly! I would like to meet Sean and his son, I’m going to swing by the Y now…