That’s right, Tom Petty, there ain’t no easy way out.
There will come that fateful moment when your fetus needs to be evicted from your body’s cozy B&B, and when that moment arrives there are only two routes out.
Neither is pleasant, although one is more scenic.
And yes, while it’s true that you have probably been waiting for this day with anticipatory joy, that’s only because mother nature has provided you with self-delusional hormones in epic quantities.
I really, really wanted to have a natural birth. And by that I mean a vaginal birth with lots of drugs in a sterile and impersonal hospital setting, with no less than four medical professionals at my bedside and a vacuum, extra forceps, and a SWAT team on standby.
I realized that I was not going to get my wish sometime around the 8th month of my pregnancy, when it became apparent that the bulge jutting out of my side was not, as I had hoped, a giant misplaced goiter, but was instead my baby’s head.
Nolan, it turns out, was in the transverse position, meaning he was horizontal in my stomach.
This is fairly rare, and so I felt pretty badass about it. I was all, yeah, no big deal, my baby isn’t interested in the normal positions.
He’s his own man. He’s basically saying, “what up breech babies, that’s all you got?!”
Nolan’s position would have been really awesome if he was competing in the high jump. Turns out it was less awesome for childbirth due to the fact that my vaginal opening is not as wide as the state of Kansas.
Nothing against my vaginal opening, yours isn’t that wide either. If it is I would like to hear from you.
The reason I wanted to deliver vaginally, I realized, was a little bit different than the reasons other moms cited for wanting this.
After reading many online forums, I learned that women often feel strongly about wanting to push their little bundle out the southern exit because they want the experience of childbirth and they do NOT want to feel cheated out of this.
I can understand that, although this experience sounds downright horrific based on every friend of mine who has ever delivered vaginally.
Women, it seems, want to feel this primal connection to their child and, moreover, to the act of birthing.
For some reason pregnancy brings out a very “we are mammals” sentiment in the masses, and people who would never consider wanting to feel, say, a root canal, suddenly want to feel something much, much worse.
It’s a strange but common phenomenon.
I had friends say to me, when it was clear that the Nolan train wasn’t leaving the station via the preferred exit, “It’s ok, Liz, having a c-section won’t make you any less of a mother.”
Huh. That thought never even occurred to me!
I wanted to give actual birth because I am competitive and like to pretend I’m tough! Not because I thought it would make me a better mother. I just like overzealous challenges that I can later brag about.
My upset over not getting to “compete” in the labor and delivery unit was real, but it was a little like the time I went skydiving – I had no interest in actually jumping from a plane, I just wanted to be able to say I did it after the fact.
Also, I had trained. I had taken the prenatal classes. I had paid actual money for them.
And I had practiced my breathing techniques! Techniques that did not appear would ease much more pain than that of a bee sting, but still.
I had practiced swaying on a giant ball to coax my baby out with my rhythmic bounces and periodic hip swivels.
I had even bought a tub of olive oil, ready to slather it onto my nether regions! (For those of you who have not prepared for birth, this nifty little trick is called a perineal massage.
It helps reduce the risk of tearing during delivery, and as a side bonus you can use the surplus olive oil for many tasty Italian dishes).
All of this intense training was for naught. A c-section was our only viable option, and so c-section it was.
Yes, I would not experience the birth of my first child the way I had hoped, but we are lucky to live in a place where safe alternatives exist.
Also, and this is no small thing, a c-section meant an automatic five day stay at the hospital.
As we all know hospitals are like hotels but with catheters and adult diapers readily available. So better! And also I LOVE hospital food! The hospital where I delivered Nolan makes an excellent Coq Au Vin. Things were looking up.
Photo credit: Christina McPherson Photography
The big day eventually arrived and things started out smoothly.
Brian was asked to wait outside while I was “prepped.”
He was excited and anxious, dressed in scrubs, hat, and booties, like an extra from Grey’s Anatomy.
I was busy having my spinal block administered, and quickly felt the lower half of my body go pleasantly numb.
The plan was for me to be awake during the surgery, but totally numb from the waist down. I remembered a good friend saying she found her c-section to be “a very civilized way to have a baby.”
This is civilized, I thought.
By the time Brian was let into the operating room the surgery was already in full swing.
He had barely gotten seated when the obstetrician exclaimed, “I see the baby’s butt!”
This was jarringly fast for Brian, who had anticipated more of a build-up to the main event. It was like going to a movie with no coming attractions. It throws a viewer off.
And with that, Nolan was out, via the express train. It was kind of amazing and kind of gross.
And then shit got real. Just as Nolan made his big debut – at the very height of emotion at this whole disgusting miracle – I started to feel stuff. Like, a lot of stuff. My spinal block wasn’t so much “blocking” anymore. Well, damn.
What’s the good of a spinal block without the block?
Very, very little, that’s what.
This was rapidly devolving into something decidedly uncivilized.
Remember, getting the baby out is only the first part. After you evict your tenant you still need to close up the apartment, you see. Lock the doors behind you and all.
“I can feel this!” I was trying to keep the panic down in my voice. Perhaps I sounded too un-panicked, because the anesthesiologist was surprisingly nonchalant.
“Like tugging and pulling?” he asked.
“No, like I can REALLY FEEL this surgery!” I could feel tugging 5 minutes ago. I felt SURGERY HAPPENING now. If I’m not being clear, those two feelings are different.
“Oh, you do? Hmm….Looks like you metabolized the medication too quickly!” His tone was breezy. “Next time you have a surgery you should make sure to tell them that your body seems to metabolize meds too fast.”
Um, yes, noted. Next time I’m having major abdominal surgery I’ll be sure to tell them. Too bad I’m in surgery RIGHT NOW.
Brian could see the panic in my eyes.
Oh, did I mention that I was tied down to the table? I was tied down to the table.
I had kind of forgotten I was tied down to the table until the part of the story where the spinal block stopped working and I panicked and tried to free myself.
Good thing I was tied down, actually.
Brian was in his own type of bind.
Unbeknownst to me, he had just been told that he needed to leave the surgery area to accompany Nolan to another room, where I presume they make sure he has all of his most important bits. Nolan, not Brian.
Brian’s bits were already accounted for.
Not wanting to cause more panic, but clearly seeing that I was losing my shit, Brian approached me cautiously, the way one might approach a skittish but rapidly angering beaver.
“Ok, I’m gonna go now…” His voice was soft. He was trying to appear calm so that I may be calmed. Which is not possible when you are actively being operated on with very, very little medication.
Uh, ok. That’s cool. I’ll just stay here and fight off my captors alone. My eyes pleaded with him but he was quickly led away.
After about five minutes Brian was sent away from Nolan’s room, too. Poor guy.
He ended up wandering through the halls, full scrubs, without either his wife or baby.
He was hoping, I think, to be with at least one of us during this most critical time.
But then I was hoping to not feel my surgery, so that made two of us who didn’t get what we wanted.
And that is pretty much how it went down.
Yes, I had “missed out” on the chance to be tough by laboring with my baby, but I was fortunate enough to get the chance to be tough by having abdominal surgery with meds that ran out part way through the operation.
Silver linings!
Which would you prefer, c-section or natural childbirth? How was your labor and delivery? Let’s hear it. Be descriptive. I want to picture your baby crowning.
Darcie
Liz, I had a similar conversation with doctors about how much I could feel. I gave birth to my daughter vaginally and due to some complications the special care team whisked her away. Along with her went her father and my sisters. This left my 6 foot 5 65 year old doctor stitching me up. I tried to stay calm explaining that I could feel LOTS of things happening. His response “hmm that’s not normal”. Thank you sir, that was very comforting!
Liz
Ha! WTF?!?! I’m not sure how to stress to medical professionals that patients REALLY prefer it when the meds DON’T wear off.
Kristin
Gah! That sounds awful! You won that competition for sure!
I had the best of both (painful) worlds with my older daughter. Fast and furious labor for a total of 9 hours with pushing for 3. At about hour 8 they told me they could see the head…except then realized it was just some swollen tissue (gross!). I was defeated and in pain (I was determined to go drug free…how did that work out?). They administered my IV and spinal through contractions – fun! The nurses on the maternity floor would come in and say “why do you have ice on your downtown, you had a c-section?” Read the chart ladies, read the chart. Rubber gloves filled with ice were my friends 🙂 Just goes to show how much you can plan and plan and then life happens completely opposite! Gets you ready for the world of parenting.
Liz
I really like that the nurses said “Ice on your downtown”—I need to save that expression for later use 🙂
Leslieknope
Loved this post!I had wanted a natural unmediated birth so bad! I wanted a water birth to be exact. I hired a doula, a midwife, watched Ina May gaskins documentary, made flash cards with positive birthing quotes, ” I trust my body to birth my baby” etc… The reason I wanted to do it was because I wanted to avoid csection at all costs. Study show once you get an epidural chances of csection go up 50%. I felt too many doctors were forcing women into cesections they didn’t really need ( two of my sisters had this happen to them, these are the type of women who feel robbed of an experience). My labor progressed super fast, when we arrived at the hospital I was already 8 cm. I was yelling through each contraction and wanted nothing more than to push! But they kept telling mento to push, turned out I had unusually powerful contractions that we’re distressing the baby and causing major dips in his heart rate. They made me get an epidural and some other medicine to reduce the intensity of the contractions. Neither worked and baby’s heart rate kept dipping. They rushed me to csection where they actually let me try pushing ( I think out of pity because I wanted to so bad). Anyways I hated every minute of my csection. I barely saw my baby when he came out. When my husband came back with him I tried to touch him but I was too numb to even feel him. And csection recovery sucks! I felt like I had been hit by a bus. Anyways I say all this to say us csection gals really don’t get the credit we deserve, it’s not the easy way or more civilized way. Anyway next baby I’m hoping for a vbac! Sorry for rambling lol
Liz
Woah, I hadn’t heard about epidurals upping the chance of needing a c-section! Who knew? Well, you knew…I think a planned c-section is generally way less traumatic, yours sounds awful! As an aside, I really hope you are actually Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec.
Leslieknope
Leslie Knope is merely my internet alias , although I’m a huge parks & rec fan and so glad you noticed lol 🙂
Liz
Damnit. I really want Leslie Knope to read this blog. 🙂
Kristin
I chose medication free for the same reasons LeslieKnope. Ended up with the whole shebang as well 🙁 Recovery was tough and I felt like I was mourning the loss of the birth I wanted to have 🙁
Kat
Vaginal all day every day.
Well no. Not ALL day and certainly not EVERY day. More like- vaginal for a day every few years twice in my life, maybe three times.
A csection is my worst nightmare, behind giant spiders, brain aneurisms and death metal.
Liz
I personally do want the experience of birthing a child all day every day. I don’t want to parent a child, I just want to birth children again and again.
Erin
Wow, we talk all the time how there really is no good way to get a baby out. I too was hoping for a vaginal birth and my biggest fear was a fully anesthesized c-section which ended up happening. The plus side is they put me out, and I woke up with a baby. Certainly not the worst way to go. I guess if birthing was a competition you did push-ups every 5 feet of the 4,000, and I got beamed star-trek style.
Liz
Ha! I like picturing this as a competition. In fact I think that’s how new moms should discuss their experience. Forget about the nice maternal bullshit….who WON? 🙂
Meg R.
So I was hypertensive with my daughter (1st born) and was on bed rest for the majority of my last trimester. I had my routine labs done a week before and was told I was now preeclamptic. So we were going to have the baby today. I wasn’t dilated so they gave me the ripening gel and pills (alternating) each of them caused labor contractions. They did this for 48 hrs with no dilation. They gave me the option to go home and try it all again in a couple of days or stop and have a csection. That afternoon. We opted for the csection. I had a bad reaction to the morphine in the anesthetic cocktail and spend my daughters for 24 hrs of life puking my guts out. Not literally although I’m sure it was completely possible with the incision. Perhaps people would see this as the weaker way out but I could not endure any more labor pains.
My son was a routine scheduled csection and went well with less pain meds in the cocktail this time. I would say it was a total vacation except for the nurses coming in during the night every 15 min for vitals or with the baby to nurse (and no I didn’t room in at night – I needed rest!).
Liz
Oh boy, bed rest for that long sounds tough! Although I do like the sound of a “ripening gel.”
Cousin Lindsay
Maybe I’m wrong but to me natural childbirth suggests no epidural…vaginal childbirth is…well, vaginal..but natural is as nature intended, with no pain killer. Which is horrible, awful, exhausting, painful, scary, and you may end up bawling on the table, trying to not watch your OB install several stitches in your nether regions. And hemorrhoids, lets not forget those. And you get to wear pads that go from your belly button to the top of your butt crack and are as thick as pillows.
The only relief are those awesome ice packs for your crotch. But you’re only allowed a certain number of them. After that you switch to Tucks hemorrhoid pads that you line up along your pillow pads like cold cuts on a subway sandwich.
So supposedly, the recovery from a vag birth is shorter and/or easier. I’m not sure if its any more comfortable after a surprise episiotomy, here I am over 2 weeks later and today was the first day I didn’t need to take 800mg ibuprofen.
I don’t know Liz, I don’t know if one is preferable over the other..I took a “hypnobirthing” class thinking I could hypnotize myself through a comfortable vaginal delivery. All I can say is that I want my $500 back and the instructors head on a plate.
Thankfully baby Kyle was worth the agony.
F natural births. Never again.
Liz
Lindsay I thought you might have something to say about this!
Yes, natural I do believe means no drugs 🙂 I just made up an alternative definition of natural for myself (read: not at all natural, but slightly more natural than a c-section).
I enjoy your level of detail in this comment 🙂 I feel like I am right there with you…watching little Kyle emerge…It would be beautiful if not for basically everything you just described.
Erin H
So your initial idea of childbirth is pretty much my dream, but I also ended up with a C-section since my son decided that his umbilical cord would make an awesome tie. The tugging sensation was the strangest thing but I’ve considered just going straight for the C-section next time around. Until now, of course. Now I’m terrified of ever giving birth again. Yikes.
Liz
Don’t worry Erin, your meds will *probably* work if you have another C-section. I say just roll the dice with it!
Diana Cook Esposito
thanks for sharing your story, Liz!
I too wanted a vaginal birth with options of drugs (the SWAT team too!). My husband James and I went to childbirth classes as well. I decided not to create a birth plan, although the birth class instructor recommended this. I decided I wanted a vaginal birth, full term baby and I would figure out the rest as things came.
Well, that half-baked plan didn’t work! I had a preterm baby (4 weeks early) by C section after being induced! The birth of my daughter CJ was the happiest yet most terrifying day of life.
On November 22nd I went to have a precautionary ultrasound because my baby was small. During my scan, my baby’s heart rate dropped to the low 50s for over 3 minutes. (Average heart rate at that stage is 140-150). Luckily the baby recovered but I was wondering why the technician had me move around while she was scanning me. When the doctor came in, he was calm but explained my baby was potentially in danger due to a whole bunch of things he saw (NOTE: I am sure the dude was articulate, but I have no idea what he said because I was freaking out). Needless to say, I called my husband and asked him to meet me at the hospital.
Long-story short, I got to the hospital, my blood pressure spiked, I passed out, revived and was told I needed to have the baby soon. I got admitted, was put on bed rest and the doctor induced me. My baby’s heart rate dropped (and recovered) 4 more times throughout the day and night. After she recovered my husband and I decided a c section was the best option for our baby. At 2:34 in the morning, she was born – little, but perfect. She stayed in the hospital for 16 days and me 6, but we came out strong.
Like you, it never occurred to me that having a c section would make me less of a mom!! We are moms and we made the decisions we did because our children needed us to make them. Isn’t that what matters, after all?
Thanks again for sharing!
Liz
You’re welcome Diana! Exactly, we all do what we have to do when it comes down to it. Your situation sounds really scary, I’m glad everything turned out ok!
Kelly Buechner
This is exactly why I never wanted a c-section. I’m terrified of this happening to me…not that giving birth vaginally is fun. Pitocin and Cirvidil are the devil! I was in labor for 36 hours with my daughter. There isn’t a damn thing on the planet that I want to do for 36 hours, especially not something that requires pushing a melon out of a hole the size of a cherry. I had an epidural with her, but it wore off four times and I had to get the doc to “top me off” so I could stop vomiting from the pain. Fun times! Of course, the doc had other moms to help so I had to lay there for up to two hours each time. The last time it wore off was during pushing, so they did nothing and I felt everything, including the stitches. Turns out my sweet baby girl’s head wouldn’t mold so – another mom so eloquently wrote – she “destroyed everything in her path.”
My son was much easier thanks to his sister’s blockhead. He arrived in 9 hours despite being a pound heavier and several inches longer. The only bad thing about his labor was the Cirvidil, which overstimulated my contractions which meant they overlapped and neither of us could recover. When they took that out, everything was smooth sailing.
What no one told me was that parenting a 22 month old DD and 3 month old DS would be way tougher than labor.
Kirsten
Such a similar story! My little guy decided to take 36 hours (well, FORTY TWO WEEKS and 36 hours) before we evicted him, c-section style. The midwife at the hospital (we’d started with one at home, but that’s another story) was willing to let me keep going, but I’d only achieved 7 centimeters, and I couldn’t imagine what it would take to get me to 10- and then PUSH A BABY OUT?!?! I know plenty have done it, and they definitely win. I’ll take second. But my epidural wore out twice before surgery, and then just after he was born. I said, “Oh, he’s gorgeous—-I CAN FEEL THAT!” Same line, “Oh, like tugging?” “Nope, like feeling that! Are they SEWING on my left side?!” He got seriously busy after that. But did a good job getting more meds in fast! Whew! I also loved the hospital. I may have cried when they took away my catheter. WALK to pee?!?! Do you know what I did yesterday?
So crazy. But I love my sweet boy so much. Insane what we go thru for the loves of our lives, huh? 🙂
Liz
Kirsten – crazy!!! I hadn’t heard of this happening before, but once it happened to me I started to hear other stories. It’s nuts!!
Kirsten
Totally. Great blog by the way, I’m stalking your old posts because I just found you. I read your post on pregnant chicken. 🙂 Note to self: don’t read while baby is nurse-napping. Snorting with laughter is not conducive, and don’t mess with the nap, or everyone pays!! 🙂
Love,
Your new loyal reader
Liz
Kirsten – I’m happy you’re a loyal new reader! Welcome to A Mothership Down! And I love the Pregnant Chicken 🙂