Being Fancy For Dummies

One week from today I’ll be headed to the fanciest event of my young (ok fine, nearing middle age) life.

For those of you who missed it, I’m a nominee for Breakout of the Year at the 2015 Iris Awards.

Me, “Breaking Out”

Guys, this is fancy.

I get to fly out to Phoenix for the Mom2.0 Summit, which culminates in an awards night that is being pitched as “Golden Globes Style.”

I am told there is a red carpet. I cannot believe this. (Really. I’m not sure if I believe this. Is it like a real red carpet event or does the hotel just have red carpeting? Time will tell).

Oh, and did I mention that Molly Ringwald is the keynote speaker at this conference?? No?? Well she is.

There is a LOT that I need to get done in preparation for something of this magnitude.

• Grow back my over-plucked left eyebrow

• Figure out how to apply makeup that wasn’t made for tween girls and sold for 99 cents at CVS (i.e. replace my entire existing collection of makeup)

• Pick a dress

• Practice putting on my dress in a manner which does not leave me tangled up and panicking like I’m caught in a beaver trap

• Learn hair

• Renovate second floor bathroom in order to maximize natural light so that I can identify and eradicate any threat of a developing mustache

• Become trendy

• Practice ordering something other than “the cheapest red wine you have.”

• Practice my losing, winning and surprised faces

Here are some faces that I’m considering for use during the awards:

Clearly I have very good control over my face at all times and am able to keep it looking attractive from any angle. This is a recipe for success with paparazzi. I figure if I win or lose the Iris Award I can bust out any of the above looks and I’ll be good to go. My face will have the endearing look of a constipated ingénue, which I think will be a crowd pleaser.

Here’s hoping someone gets a close-up.

Oh, in case you were wondering, I’m leaving Nolan at home. He was being a total diva about the whole thing, and I just had to say no. This is the look he was trying to pull together, if I were to let him be my +1.

Waaaaaayyyyy too much, kid. (Sometimes he thinks he’s Shakira).

In other news, I decided that my goal is to be the Jennifer Lawrence of the Iris Awards. So, kind of inappropriate, maybe a little drunk, but not so over the top that I scare people away from wanting to work with me. I don’t want to be Charlie Sheen. I want to toe the line between wildly “off” and mildly eccentric. My other goal is to fall asleep in the bathtub of one of the famous bloggers who will be in attendance. I’m not going to name names yet, because I don’t know who has the nicest tub.

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So ladies and fashion-forward gentlemen: Thoughts on the dresses? Do you think the one on the left looks awards-y? Makeup tips? Hair tips??? Oh man do I need hair help. Serious hair help.

This is my test run on fancy hair and fancy makeup. This may look like “everyday” hair and “everyday” makeup to many of you. But trust me, this is very, very fancy.

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