Happy Friday everyone! We’re going to mix things up here. I think it would be cool if in addition to highlighting stuff I’ve found for Nolan, I also feature readers’ “top picks” as part of the Friday Five. So if you’ve found a super useful product/website/book etc. that you think other parents would like to know about, leave the name of the product/website/book in the comments section and indicate that you LOVE it. I’ll email you back and if it’s a good fit I’ll get more details about this life-changing miracle product, whatever it may be, and feature it in an upcoming Friday Five. If you’re a funny writer we can arrange for you to write the recommendation yourself! Only if that’s your thing. I’m flexible on how we can work this out.
I can’t guarantee that I’ll use everyone’s suggestions, but I think we’d all benefit from getting ideas from parents with kids of different ages. And this luke-warm mom can’t possibly keep up with all the “hot” recommendations floating around, so there’s that. This idea was inspired by my friend Courtney, whose recommendation is #3 on today’s list!
Aaaand here we go:
1. The Baby Formal Wear Section at Macy’s
I love me some Baby Gap and Carter’s, I really do. But it turns out that when you’re looking for formal wear for your baby (which, who isn’t?! I don’t know about your baby, but my baby is regularly invited to cocktail parties and black tie events) the place to shop is Macy’s. Yes, Macy’s, where it’s important to wear a face mask, as at least 7 ladies wearing aggressive makeup will spray you with their perfume samples on your way to the children’s clothing section. It’s worth this assault of your senses when you see the offerings in the baby red carpet division. It’s an embarrassment of riches down there, really.
Violet, the talking purple dog-robot from LeapFrog, is a cyborg, more or less. And who doesn’t want a cyborg as a friend for their child? I sure do. This fuzzy robot-dog can basically raise your child, best I can tell. It says in the promotional materials that you can “turn your teaching over to Violet to explore first words, numbers, daily routines, and feelings.” That sounds like a big responsibility for a toy puppy. I’m not totally sure I want a puppy to teach my son about feelings, and what if she has different ideas about routines than I do? But the pros outweigh the cons, and Violet is adorable, which is important since she will be raising my child. It’s like hiring a hot canine nanny.
Nolan open-mouth kissed this little dog at their very first meeting. Four times. He’s never kissed anything that many times before. I will obviously be talking to Nolan about appropriate boundaries and the importance of getting to know puppies before you open-mouth kiss them.
If you’d like a less feminine-looking puppy raising your offspring, there is also a green version named “Scout” available.
4. Soundproof rooms at church
Do most church’s have these special sound-proof rooms?! Never have I seen such a thing (unless all churches have them, in which case I see them every time I go to a wedding but never notice them). This is the best thing EVER! It’s just an enclosed room at the back of the church that pipes in the sounds of the service and allows you and your child to be really disruptive. Win win! The last few times I’ve taken Nolan to church for weddings and funerals he’s realized that his voice echoes with the tall ceilings, and so he sings his praises to the Lord in his best pterodactyl voice. It’s not at all annoying.
This past weekend Nolan’s Papa got married (congratulations Papa and Michelle!) and Nolan and his little cousins Luke and Griffin were not exactly model guests. No offense boys, but model guests don’t need to be contained in sound-proof rooms. Although to be fair to Griffin and Luke, it was Nolan who had explosive diarrhea that not only ruined his suit but also got all over my arms right as we were arranging ourselves for the formal family portrait. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that that makes us the worst guests.
But back to this sound-proof room. It’s a game changer, so helpful that I’m pretty sure the inspiration for it went directly from God to whoever designs churches. Now I need God to send some inspiration to whoever designs formal pants for babies, so that they can find a way to better contain loose stools.
5. The crazy story about the vagina cookies for 2nd graders
The news story that vaginas everywhere are talking about: Mom Bakes Vagina Cookies for Second Graders, Can’t Believe Teacher has the Nerve to Refuse Them.
I’m not going to say a lot about this story. It really speaks for itself. I’ll just say this: I know that whenever I bake cookies in the shape of anatomically correct body parts I get great feedback on them. I’m not sure what this teacher’s problem was, but I think that cookies baked to look like vaginas are both delicious and informative for youngsters. Oh wait, no I don’t. I think this mom/baker/vagina-maker is bat-shit crazy.
Happy weekend everyone! And don’t forget to leave a comment with your own “hot recommendation” for the next Friday Five!