You guys. Tomorrow I have a date with a new mom. Well, with a mom who is new to me. The nerves! The pressure! I will need to blow dry my hair. God help me.
I had my eye on this potential mom friend after I chatted with her at my regular coffee shop the other day. She looked cool and friendly and, most critically, her baby was the same age as my baby and she was at a coffee shop at 11:00 a.m. on a Wednesday, which is a pretty good sign that she is a SAHM and thus available for weekday friendship. So, a highly coveted commodity.
Her baby girl was holding a sign saying, “Come be my mom’s friend! She’s available for coffee, walks, or possibly day drinking. She can make plans without prior notice and she can’t wait to get to know you!” Ok there was no sign, but the baby’s eyes said all of that and more.
But, for all I know this so-called “mom” hired her infant in order to solicit new friends, the way some guys get puppies in the hopes that it will attract women. (Note: The puppy will work. The baby will work. Both are magnets for potential friends (the baby) or lovers (the puppy). I just wanted to be clear on which attracts which, because if you get a baby hoping to attract a lover it’s likely to backfire). This strategy is so effective that I recommend having a baby just to improve your social life, even if you have no interest in having children.
Part of my personal mom-to-mom marketing strategy involves handing out the business card you saw at the beginning of this post. In the small print I’ll make it clear that I’m available for mid-week companionship.
It’s critical to get these cards into the right hands, lest I end up inadvertently running a prostitution ring. Sometimes that’s a gamble you just have to take.
Also, Brian is urging me to start introducing myself by saying, “Hi, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am Liz from A Mothership Down.” It just lends a certain air of credibility. So, anyway, I have a game plan. I think I’ll be good at this – I picked someone up in the waiting room at the hospital recently, which really bolstered my confidence. I think this can be my “thing.”
My creepy mom thing.
Anyway, a few days after my first encounter with this enticing would-be mom friend I saw her again, at the same place and with the same baby. Seeing her with the same baby for the second time made me think that it was really her baby and not a baby on loan to attract friends. She looked legit. I knew I had to act fast, these types don’t stay on the mom market for long.
I invited “Melissa Mom” (as I now have her entered into my cell phone) to a baby/mom group for the following day, because that seemed safe and noncommittal, and therefore unlikely to spook her too early in the game. I wanted to wait to spook her until a little later.
I almost doubled down by also asking Melissa Mom if she wanted to come and sit with my friend and me, but decided that was too risky. I said to myself, “Be cool, Liz, be cool. Do not give off an air of desperation.”
The goal is to give off a vibe that says “I’m open to meeting people to expand my already VAST social network.” Not to give off a vibe that says “I don’t have any other friends and am therefore VERY EAGER to meet new moms at coffee shops so that we can become BFFs and talk about our babies all day long. Preferably on our way to Target.”
Melissa Mom seemed interested in the baby/mom group, even though she already has older children. I took this as a sign that she was really into me.
Otherwise why the interest in the group? Amiright? We exchanged numbers, no big NBD. And tentatively planned to meet at the group. Things were moving fast. But then Melissa Mom had to cancel to tend to her laundry and meet her grocery shopping obligations.
I know what you’re thinking.
That she was blowing me off.
Wrong, suckers! Melissa Mom then invited ME to coffee, which is the mom date that I am now preparing for.
Tomorrow my friend Courtney and her little girl Annie are going to come along as social lubricants. Annie and Nolan know what is at stake here and really want to make a good impression on Melissa Mom and her baby.
This may seem a *little* over the top, but the babies snuck out earlier for makeovers, which Courtney and I don’t really approve of, because we want them to work on their personalities. They do look pretty magnificent though:
Wish us luck! Although we don’t really need it when we all look so amazing.