You guys. Tomorrow I have a date with a new mom. Well, with a mom who is new to me. The nerves! The pressure! I will need to blow dry my hair. God help me.
I had my eye on this potential mom friend after I chatted with her at my regular coffee shop the other day. She looked cool and friendly and, most critically, her baby was the same age as my baby and she was at a coffee shop at 11:00 a.m. on a Wednesday, which is a pretty good sign that she is a SAHM and thus available for weekday friendship. So, a highly coveted commodity.
Her baby girl was holding a sign saying, “Come be my mom’s friend! She’s available for coffee, walks, or possibly day drinking. She can make plans without prior notice and she can’t wait to get to know you!” Ok there was no sign, but the baby’s eyes said all of that and more.
But, for all I know this so-called “mom” hired her infant in order to solicit new friends, the way some guys get puppies in the hopes that it will attract women. (Note: The puppy will work. The baby will work. Both are magnets for potential friends (the baby) or lovers (the puppy). I just wanted to be clear on which attracts which, because if you get a baby hoping to attract a lover it’s likely to backfire). This strategy is so effective that I recommend having a baby just to improve your social life, even if you have no interest in having children.
Part of my personal mom-to-mom marketing strategy involves handing out the business card you saw at the beginning of this post. In the small print I’ll make it clear that I’m available for mid-week companionship.
It’s critical to get these cards into the right hands, lest I end up inadvertently running a prostitution ring. Sometimes that’s a gamble you just have to take.
Also, Brian is urging me to start introducing myself by saying, “Hi, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I am Liz from A Mothership Down.” It just lends a certain air of credibility. So, anyway, I have a game plan. I think I’ll be good at this – I picked someone up in the waiting room at the hospital recently, which really bolstered my confidence. I think this can be my “thing.”
My creepy mom thing.
Anyway, a few days after my first encounter with this enticing would-be mom friend I saw her again, at the same place and with the same baby. Seeing her with the same baby for the second time made me think that it was really her baby and not a baby on loan to attract friends. She looked legit. I knew I had to act fast, these types don’t stay on the mom market for long.
I invited “Melissa Mom” (as I now have her entered into my cell phone) to a baby/mom group for the following day, because that seemed safe and noncommittal, and therefore unlikely to spook her too early in the game. I wanted to wait to spook her until a little later.
I almost doubled down by also asking Melissa Mom if she wanted to come and sit with my friend and me, but decided that was too risky. I said to myself, “Be cool, Liz, be cool. Do not give off an air of desperation.”
The goal is to give off a vibe that says “I’m open to meeting people to expand my already VAST social network.” Not to give off a vibe that says “I don’t have any other friends and am therefore VERY EAGER to meet new moms at coffee shops so that we can become BFFs and talk about our babies all day long. Preferably on our way to Target.”
Melissa Mom seemed interested in the baby/mom group, even though she already has older children. I took this as a sign that she was really into me.
Otherwise why the interest in the group? Amiright? We exchanged numbers, no big NBD. And tentatively planned to meet at the group. Things were moving fast. But then Melissa Mom had to cancel to tend to her laundry and meet her grocery shopping obligations.
I know what you’re thinking.
That she was blowing me off.
Wrong, suckers! Melissa Mom then invited ME to coffee, which is the mom date that I am now preparing for.
Boom!
Tomorrow my friend Courtney and her little girl Annie are going to come along as social lubricants. Annie and Nolan know what is at stake here and really want to make a good impression on Melissa Mom and her baby.
This may seem a *little* over the top, but the babies snuck out earlier for makeovers, which Courtney and I don’t really approve of, because we want them to work on their personalities. They do look pretty magnificent though:
*Nolan thinks he’s a girl because mostly he hangs out with little girls. It’s sweet, really. I think this look is a little much on him, but if he insists on it for coffee who am I to stop him?
Wish us luck! Although we don’t really need it when we all look so amazing.
Leslieknope
Just had my 4th successful mom date with a mom I met at the little gym. I had been desperately trying to make moms friends but then realized I was severely out of practice in the friend making departing. Luckily my mom friend approached me and was just as desperate as me. We have been hanging out ever since and it’s been so fun! We all know with babies so young these play dates are really just an opportunity for us moms to have adult convo. And I agree it’s definitely like dating! Lol good luck tomorrow! Hope you ladies hit it off!
Liz
Leslieknope, that’s an inspirational real life success story! Love it. I feel kind of like Oprah right now, bringing out the best in human nature.
Brian, Liz's husband
Good god…when Nolan is older and becomes Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, I think we’ll be able to understand why just by looking at that picture. It will haunt my dreams tonight…
Liz
Hopefully the interwebs will have crashed by then, and there will be no evidence that this ever happened.
Kate
I wonder if your strategies will work for us lesbian mommies? I mean one must be very carful these days you know. ;o)
Liz
Good point! It’s a very nuanced field, soliciting mothers…I’m pretty sure these strategies will work regardless of sexual orientation, but everyone should feel free to try them out in the field and let me know!
Mel
Creepiest new line of Mattel dolls, ever! Nolan, you are better than this.
Liz
He is better than this Mel, he is. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Plus Nolan is pretty obsessed with Mattel.
Nolan"s awkward (kind of) aunt Sarah
When can I get Nolan into the baby pageant circuit? Look what it did for Honey Boo Boo…
Brian, Liz's husband
As I tell Liz on a nearly daily basis…Nolan is a boy and we will raise him as such!!
Liz
Sarah, Honey Boo Boo is such an inspiration to us! Thank you for bringing this up.
Lynda
To Brian’s point, that Nolan is a boy and he will be raised as such…. You must also raise Nolan to have a very good sense of humor. You want him to be amused at all the crazy errr non-conformist things his mother does. The day will come when he will be able to read and surf the net. Otherwise, payback is going to be a bitch. Your first born will stick you in a nursing home at the first available opportunity, quicker than you can say Jiminy Cricket.
Liz
This is a relevant warning. He needs to have a very good sense of humor, but if he doesn’t show signs of one by the time he’s five we’re going to become Amish in the hopes that he will never see the Internet.
And as another level of protection we already bought the book “Raising My Rainbow” on how to raise a “Gender Creative Son.” We’re covering all of our bases.
Brian, Liz's husband
True Lynda. I was going to add a disclaimer to my previous post such as “…until the day we find him dressing in drag and wanting gender reassignment surgery, in which case we will support him and raise him as the girl he always wanted to be.”
Christina
A friend posted this on Facebook (not a mom-friend, surprisingly!) and I choked back the sob-laughter of “OMG, this is so me!”. As a SAHM in a new suburban town, I am starting from scratch on the mom-friend department. I refer to going to the playground as “adventures in trolling for lady-friends”. After I got one potential new mom-friends’ digits I agonized to my husband about how long I should wait to text her — I mean, I wanted her to know I was interested but didn’t want to look desperate. What should my first move be? A one on one play date seemed too forward! (A casual text along the lines of “oh hey, btw, we’re heading to the playground if you want to meet up” did the charm). She and I, I’m proud to report, are now thick as theives. Other overtures have not gone as well. Anyway, this is amazing and thank you for speaking my language. Ha. Probably going to print up one of those signs for my son to wear at the coffee shop, I can’t trust for sure that his eyes will communicate that message clearly.
Liz
I love this comment! I think MANY moms do this! I especially like calling it “adventures in trolling for lady friends.” And I also really like your concern that your son’s eyes will not effectively communicate the message. You can’t take any chances. You need the sign.
Christina
Ha. So true. I’m also thinking I need cards to pass out, featuring me drinking wine and my son eating sand, just so we’re up front with what we’re about.
I’ve subscribed to your blog via Bloglovin – you’ve got a new reader 🙂
(And sorry for the obnoxious double-post – please feel free to delete the first!)
Liz
I’m glad you’re a new reader, I was just saying to my husband that your comment was really funny and I get excited for funny comments! It makes the blog look cool. Just like your “available mom” business cards will make you look cool.
Cousin Lindsay
That picture of Nolan is creepy and I might have nightmares.
Liz
It really is. I actually had a nightmare about it last night!