How to be a Popular Mom

Wondering how you can be super popular as a new mom? No problem. I’m here to help, armed with insights that are based off of the copious mental notes I’ve been taking during the past year.

First, know this: it’s very easy to be popular. Phew!

Note: This sort of bowl haircut will not help you to become popular. Toddlers can get away with it, but don’t go and be thinking you have that luxury.

If you’re looking to break into the “it” crowd of moms in your community, there are a few suggested topics that serve as a social lubricant. Once you have these down your road to success will be paved for you.

Suggested “ice-breaking” topics, in no particular order:

• Circumcision
• Cry It Out (CIO) Method
• Food dyes for children
• Your thoughts on vaccines
• Banning peanut butter in schools
• Breastfeeding in public
• Your milk supply
• How only “natural” birth counts
• How hot you look in yoga pants

These topics are perfect since they are not at all polarizing and they just tend to make people feel good. It’s also important here to know your audience. For example, if you recognize someone as a La Leche Leaguer, be sure to talk up your favorite formula with gusto. Likewise if, say, you have a crazy milk supply to the point that you’re fairly sure you’re marketable as a wet nurse, make sure you bring this point up to your new friend who has a low supply. People like this.

And we are in luck, because there are lots of other things people like!

Let’s review some of those things now. For starters, it is essential that you look very rested. This will let other mothers know that your baby is easier than their baby, and if there’s one element critical to cementing friendship it’s the introduction of envy. You probably will want to talk a lot about what a great sleeper your child is just to really seal the deal here.

You will also want to look freshly showered. It’s key to follow this up with humble talk about how you are neither rested nor showered, even when you are very clearly both.

It doesn’t hurt to have a freshly cleaned baby, either.

Other assorted tips and tricks:

• Don’t vaccinate your kids and then post about it in a public forum. Other parents love that!

• If you were able to deliver without meds, talk this up to all of your friends who had c-sections! And definitely accentuate the fact that you were able to fit into your pre-pregnancy pants within a week because the weight just fell right off!

• Be an authority on all matters in your local FB group. Do not tread lightly here. Present your facts. State your case with passion. Make sure to include many links to your “research” and share them aggressively with other moms.

• Post a lot of graphic pictures of your kid’s rash online and ask for input. The more grotesque the better.

• Tweet and post actively regarding your precarious mental state. Ideally lead with a “teaser” of sorts. Something like “I seriously might cry right now. Worst day EVER.” Then don’t elaborate on what you’re talking about. Wait until a stream of concerned comments start piling up, and then explain that you are fine, you just sprained your ankle.  Nothing draws in new friends more quickly.

• Order a customized decal for the back of your car – the type with stick figures of all of your children and pets. These decals serve to lure in the most popular mothers, particularly in certain suburban areas that covet excellence in gymnastics, ice hockey, and dance.

• Give unsolicited advice to anyone you see with a baby. Make judging eyes at moms who are not wearing their babies.

Here are some examples of moms who have figured out the key to fitting in with other moms:

• Gwyneth Paltrow and her Vagina Steam Cleaning Friends
• The “What’s Your Excuse” Workout Mom
• The “Mom Enough” Breastfeeder from TIME Magazine
• The Mom who is just saying NO! to the official mom uniform of yoga pants

These moms are just going for it, which you have to admire. You may not choose to go this route exactly, but I think we can all stand to learn something from anyone who asks us straight-faced to take our vaginas to the car wash.

I hope this was helpful to you. I’m off to workout, shower, do my hair, put on something WAY NICER than yoga pants, and then log on to my Facebook groups so I can discuss the pitfalls of food additives. I expect to have a dozen or more new friends by midnight.

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