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You are here: Home / Parenting / How to Host Like a Boss (Disclaimer: I Have No Idea)

How to Host Like a Boss (Disclaimer: I Have No Idea)

Published July 7, 2014. Last updated November 16, 2019 by Liz. This post may contain affiliate links.

IMG_9368Something that I’ve long known has come to the forefront of my attention lately, which is that I am a total disaster as a hostess. Am I friendly and inviting toward guests? Sure. But my skills stop there.

I simply cannot get my shit together to properly host womanly events, and I’m almost 40 years old, for goodness sake. Time to STEP IT UP.

This problem – my ineptitude when it comes to certain domestic expectations – first surfaced in my mid-twenties, when the type of college parties I was used to throwing were no longer acceptable. You know, once it was no longer the norm to buy a keg and huge plastic tarps for the floor and call it a day.

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I was good at those kinds of parties, and good at finding ridiculous props and joke items to add flair to events. Kiddie swimming pool for the living room at a “spring break” party? Check! Sombreros from the dollar store? Check!

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Serving platters for homemade appetizers? Uncheck.

serving platters

The level of my problem became apparent circa 2003, when I was invited to a girls only TV night/dinner.

I understood the event to be a sort of “BYOF” deal (bring your own food). So, I picked up a steak bomb and threw 4 stray beers into a plastic bag and headed on over.

As soon as I arrived at the gathering I realized my error. All of the other girls had come bearing lasagnas, quiches, salads to share and the like. Nobody else had loose Bud Light cans in a plastic bag. Certainly nobody else had a personally sized steak bomb.

When did this social seismic shift happen? Well, at least a decade ago, apparently. I just missed it.

But all that is going to change.

Why is it going to change now, a decade after first recognizing my problem?

Because in the last few weeks I’ve twice attempted to host small scale events, and both times I was in a panic, paralyzed by my inability to put together even a basic spread. Also, I have CHILDREN now, good Lord. For the sake of my babies and our future as a normal family, something’s got to give.

I had a few local mom friends and their babies over a few weeks ago at 11:00 a.m. on a weekday.

Some people might say to themselves, in that situation, maybe I will pick up some orange juice and bagels! Perhaps some fresh fruit.

I picked up three $2 bottles of wine at Trader Joe’s (which, can I just say – what a deal!), and some spaghetti. I got one jar of sauce and reheated some eggplant parmesan that Brian had made 4 days earlier. Voila! A lovely (albeit heavy) mid-morning Italian spread.

I rationalized this menu with the thought that people with babies always show up late to events, and even though I invited people for 11:00 they would probably show up at noon, and noon is a fine time for a drink. Any earlier would just be tacky.

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I also realized that I should clean up a bit for this event (note: my house is always neat. Neat and clean are different. It’s not always clean).

Anyway, I noticed that my rug had a lot of hair on it (which is common given the fact that Nolan and I are both part wolf), and there were going to be lots of little kids sitting on the floor.

So I considered vacuuming for a second, but I still have some trouble managing our vacuum cleaner with all its various functions. I ended up compromising by picking up stray hairs off the ground with my fingers. I didn’t feel totally great about this.

Nolan and Ellie

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Nolan tried to make up for some of my hosting deficits by being overly affectionate with the guests. You can see in this photo he is coming on a little too strong with his friend Sebastian.

And then for the 4th of July I had an out of town friend visiting, so we had a few people over for a small BBQ. This was a low stakes event by all accounts. Just some grilling of hot dogs and hamburgers, which Brian was in charge of.

Thirty minutes before party time and it came to my attention that we had absolutely nothing ready for guests, and so I threw some chips in bowl and put a bunch of waters in a cooler.

Did I realize that beer should go in the cooler, not water? No.

Did I remember to set up any dips for the chips? No.

Did I have napkins ready? No.

Did I have anything ready whatsoever? No.

Do people like Doritos? Yes. They really do. But that isn’t enough.

My friend Ben texted me before the BBQ to ask what he could bring, and I said a pizza. He thought I was kidding. I wasn’t kidding. This is the level I’m at.

Furthermore, in the last few weeks I have twice gone to events held by my sister-in-law Melissa, who is an amazing and very crafty hostess, and the juxtaposition between my events and Melissa’s was really just too dramatic to ignore.

You would not believe the level of craftiness and organization that she aspires toward (and attains!). It’s very impressive and also kind of cripples me, as I will never achieve this kind of excellence. At least I can go to her events and steal her food though.

Here are some photos from a baby shower Melissa just hosted for her sister Sue. I think you will see what I’m talking about.

photo 2

This is a cupcake IN A MASON JAR! How would you even do that?? I’ve never made a cupcake. Never. I’m not exaggerating. If I ever do make one I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to get it in a jar.

photo 1

All of the various jars holding an assortment of treats were labeled in adorable ways! It was a Pinterest miracle.

photo 1

These napkins have been fashioned into little bow ties! I didn’t even have napkins for my last two events!

photo 2

If you came across this on my lawn, I can assure you it would mean that our dryer was broken and I was desperate to air out Nolan’s clothes. On Melissa’s lawn it is a decorative touch in keeping with a baby boy shower theme.

In light of all of the above information, I’ve decided that I’m going to rectify this situation. Well I’m going to try to rectify this situation.

This is my challenge. I will plan and execute, entirely on my own, a small dinner party. Here is what I will NOT do, that I normally WOULD do:

  • Order pizzas
  • Give guests paper towels instead of napkins
  • Spend less than $4 on wine
  • Rely on Brian to plan a menu and/or cook the main dishes
  • Serve leftovers

Instead, I will do this:

  • Cook the food I am serving (not to be confused with re-heating or defrosting)
  • Place utensils appropriate to the meal out on the table before guests arrive
  • Make at least 2 appetizers
  • Spend between $6-$12 on wine (classy!)
  • Have a non-alcoholic beverage on hand other than milk and tap water

I am going to plan my menu before I even invite any guests. That will ensure that I actually have food available for these guests, versus what I usually do which is invite people with no plan and then throw scraps of food at them.

Wish me luck. Dinner Party 2.0 will launch sometime in the next calendar year.

If you have any good tips for hosting that won’t cause me anxiety and/or distressed bowels as a result of anxiety please leave them in the comments section.

Filed Under: All Posts, Parenting

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Courtney Brown

    July 8, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Liz, your mom set a very high standard….but I have no doubt you will be hosting your own Thursday night dinners (that I will be attending) soon enough!

    Also, nothing wrong with $2 wine

    Reply
    • Liz

      July 9, 2014 at 12:09 pm

      She really has. And she makes it look so easy! Effortless even!

      Reply
  2. Lu-Lu

    July 8, 2014 at 10:03 pm

    I laughed the entire time reading this! You are such a wonderful host even if there are no napkins or enough food to feed your guests. Not too important :). The most important sign that your gatherings are successful is that you hear a lot of laughter. I don’t think I have ever left your presence without LMAO! Success!

    Reply
    • Liz

      July 9, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Aw, thanks Lulu. Laughter is important, it’s true. But napkins are also important. Don’t enable me 🙂 I can’t wait to have you over and dazzle you with both food AND laughter! It might blow your mind.

      Reply
  3. Erin H

    July 9, 2014 at 10:03 am

    I wouldn’t worry about going all Pinterest – though that’s great if you’re into it. I just hosted a get together with a few internet Mom friends and although my timing was off and the kids were basically trying to eat each other, we all were just excited to spend some time with other Moms. Socializing is what’s important right now (with someone OTHER than an infant, I mean).

    Reply
    • Liz

      July 9, 2014 at 12:15 pm

      I agree Erin. I’m not aiming to be Pinterest-worthy. I just want to get to a reasonable level where my guests have something to wipe their hands on that is not toilet paper.

      Reply
      • Erin H

        July 10, 2014 at 10:02 am

        I always have a supply of paper plates and napkins on hand. My Mom tends to forget that I’m 35 and not 15, so she’s always bringing us paper goods whenever we host a BBQ. I’m talking about hoarder-level amounts of paper goods. Hundreds of plates when we’ve only invited immediately family. It comes in handy later though.

        Reply
  4. Matt K

    July 9, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    If you do plan on hosting more and having two apps, I would try getting one appetizer that you are good at preparing (also become easy and “safe”) so you can always serve it. And then experimenting with the second one if you have the time. After awhile you will end up with a good rotation of appetizers that won’t leave you all frizzled. And water, ice cubes and slices of lemon always work in a pinch.

    Reply
    • Liz

      July 9, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      Thanks Matt! That is a good tip. I think that’s part of my problem – that nothing is a safe bet, so the whole thing feels too hard.

      Reply
  5. Buttercup

    August 1, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Checklists! Checklists are my key to being able to successfully host a party…that way you’re less likely to forget things day of. I like to have sub-headings like: food; drinks; decor (if applicable); serving dishes (always key to know what you’ll be serving things in); etc! Though even with the list I still end up running around like a crazy person at the last minute because just having the list unfortunately doesn’t translate to getting it all done a little at a time 🙂

    Reply
    • Liz

      August 1, 2014 at 10:31 pm

      Woah! You are ORGANIZED! I can’t even imagine planning out the serving dishes in advance, although when I think about it, it does cause me lots of stress last minute when I don’t know what to serve things on. Maybe you can host my next party and we’ll call it a day.

      Reply
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Welcome to the Mothership!

Hi! I'm Liz, mom to 3 young kids. Like all of you, I have tons of free time on my hands to ponder the complexities of motherhood. Ok I have almost no time, these kids are taking me down. I write this blog to find camaraderie with the rest of you in the trenches. Welcome! Read More…

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