A Mothership Down

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You are here: Home / All Posts / It Was an Early Loss. But I’m Glad We Knew.

It Was an Early Loss. But I’m Glad We Knew.

Published September 11, 2015. Last updated December 16, 2019 by Liz. This post may contain affiliate links.

I'm Glad We Knew

For the weekend we were a family of four.

It wasn’t for long, of course, and it was our secret. Your existence most alive in our heads.

But not entirely.

The second faint line – it was there. The doctor saw it. I saw it (you), too. You were there, little more than a shadow. But you existed. You were a flicker.

And those few days were nice, weren’t they? The planning. The imagining. The (guarded) celebrating. We always knew it was too early to really relax with you. We knew the faint line signaling your existence might just as easily be gone tomorrow. But oh, the hopes that come forward anyway. How can they not?

The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. Your brother joyfully oblivious.

I felt you both. A mother of two! My kids; one holding my hand, both holding my heart and you, a great unknown still.

And then just like that you were gone.

The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. We spent it at Story Land. I love that. At the beginning, in our earliest days, we’re all partly the story our parents tell themselves, aren’t we?

In another day and age we wouldn’t have even known you’d existed. There would have been no early test. There would have been no tears.

But I’m glad we knew.

The last weekend of summer – our only weekend together – was perfect.


For support after a miscarriage you can check out this resource.

Filed Under: All Posts, Grief and Loss, Most Popular, Pregnancy, TTC

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Comments

  1. Joanne Kenney says

    September 11, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Oh, Liz, I know your pain and I grieve with you. My second pregnancy was confirmed on a Sunday morning 19 years ago and ended as I cried at my desk at work in a phone call to my doctor the following Tuesday. The time was short, but the joy was real. The hope was real. The plans were real. I went on to conceive Joshua a few months later. Prayers of comfort and healing to you, my friend…

    Reply
  2. Jen W says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:02 am

    *Hugs*

    Reply
  3. Lauren says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:02 am

    Oh Liz, I have been down this road many times, and I hurt for you… But I am so grateful for your perspective. I had not thought of my own secret children for a long time, and I am needed to cry for them again. Thank you for this precious gift of tears. They can be so healing.

    Rock on, Sister. Please keep thrilling us with your thoughts, for they are valued and refreshing.

    Reply
    • Liz says

      September 11, 2015 at 3:23 pm

      I’m glad this was helpful to you Lauren. I wrote it mostly to try to process it for myself, but when I finished it I realized it might help some other people as well.

      Reply
  4. Emily Campbell says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Oh. This. I know all too well. Hugs.

    Reply
  5. Deb ATwood says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Liz…. this is just an extraordinarily beautiful and heart wrenching piece. You have such courage to have shared this experience so poignantly. Like so many, I have experienced this too…. long long ago… and even for those who have not… your story is one of joy as well as pain. thank you.

    Reply
    • Liz says

      September 11, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      Thanks Mrs. Atwood. I appreciate it.

      Reply
  6. Sarah says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:25 am

    I’m so sorry Liz. I’m glad you knew too.

    Reply
  7. Wendy says

    September 11, 2015 at 10:42 am

    I’m so sorry. ?

    Reply
  8. Korrine says

    September 11, 2015 at 11:07 am

    So bittersweet, the knowing. ((Hugs))

    Reply
  9. Lynda says

    September 11, 2015 at 11:25 am

    I’m sad, for all concerned. What a beautiful acknowledgment/tribute. Love you lots. Your buddy. P.S. I’m here for you, always.

    Reply
  10. Charissa says

    September 15, 2015 at 9:39 am

    Thank you for your post. I lost my little girl, Rose, at 14 weeks this Labor Day weekend. It is so important for us to share our stories of loss. It helps others feel like they are not alone in their grief.

    Reply
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  1. Crosspost: A Mothership Down | thatnewcrunchymom says:
    September 11, 2015 at 10:56 am

    […] stumbled across an article this morning that I wanted to share. You can find it here. It’s worth the […]

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Welcome to the Mothership!

Hi! I'm Liz, mom to 3 young kids. Like all of you, I have tons of free time on my hands to ponder the complexities of motherhood. Ok I have almost no time, these kids are taking me down. I write this blog to find camaraderie with the rest of you in the trenches. Welcome! Read More…

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