For the weekend we were a family of four.
It wasn’t for long, of course, and it was our secret. Your existence most alive in our heads.
But not entirely.
The second faint line – it was there. The doctor saw it. I saw it (you), too. You were there, little more than a shadow. But you existed. You were a flicker.
And those few days were nice, weren’t they? The planning. The imagining. The (guarded) celebrating. We always knew it was too early to really relax with you. We knew the faint line signaling your existence might just as easily be gone tomorrow. But oh, the hopes that come forward anyway. How can they not?
The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. Your brother joyfully oblivious.
I felt you both. A mother of two! My kids; one holding my hand, both holding my heart and you, a great unknown still.
And then just like that you were gone.
The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. We spent it at Story Land. I love that. At the beginning, in our earliest days, we’re all partly the story our parents tell themselves, aren’t we?
In another day and age we wouldn’t have even known you’d existed. There would have been no early test. There would have been no tears.
But I’m glad we knew.
The last weekend of summer – our only weekend together – was perfect.
For support after a miscarriage you can check out this resource.
Amanda K.
Liz, I am so sorry for you loss. I know those words don’t offer much because I have been there myself. Praying for you and Brian.
JKH
Beautifully written once again, Liz. So sorry for your loss. XOXOX
Smyke
I too feel the sadness in your heart. I have been there also…too many times…4 to be exact. It hurts, gets better, but never totally goes away…<3
Liz
Going through this multiple times must be so hard, I’m so sorry. In writing this post I can’t believe how many people have been in touch that they’ve experienced the same thing, often more than once. It’s more people than we realize.
rubyjen
Been there too. So sorry. Amazing how many plans I made ( they stayed locked away in my head) for something that would be longer by the end of the week. I just like to think that he/she wasn’t meant to be, wasn’t healthy and wasn’t ready to join our family quite yet.
Caitlin Durkin
I am so sorry- this is beautifully written. My heart goes out to you and your family.
deborah sigman
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. It is so important for women to share this loss as such a part of life.
Carol Sustaire
Oh, I am so sorry. What a special memory that weekend makes for you! Thank you for writing about something so personal to help others who may be able to relate.
Katie
Very sad. I’m so sorry. I know the feeling and am a good listener if you want to talk. Big hugs.
Emily McDougall
I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I know the pain very well too. It’s strange that so many women miscarry, yet we don’t talk about it much. Thanks for sharing and all the best!
Liz
Sorry that you’ve had to go through it too Em. It’s hard because right from the start you can’t help but imagine what things will be like.
Kate
Liz, very sorry for your loss .Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute, its not an easy subject to talk about. I recently experienced the same loss, and have spent the past few months being upset/confused/angry, so thank you for reminding me that our weekend too was special!! Lots of love to you & your family. xoxo
Liz
I’m feeling very down today, but I’m glad that we had that weekend altogether as a family, even if it was a fleeting thing. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the same…