Today my baby became a little boy.
The change has been coming for a while, even if I didn’t quite realize it. His movements shifting slowly. A difference in his stance, his face, his gait.
I didn’t see it happen even though I saw it happen, every second of it. That’s the way it always is, isn’t it?
I nursed my baby before his nap today, and when we were done (and we’re almost done now, for good) he had changed.
Asleep in my arms it was clear. In my baby’s place was a little boy: Messy boyish hair, long limbs, lean body replacing the pudgy body I’ve grown used to.
There was no denying it.
And so I held him today for longer than usual.
I held him like the little boy that he is now: head heavy on my shoulder, the weight of him substantial.
I let him sleep on my shoulder for a long time, knowing that as long as I sat there holding him, feeling the heavy weight of his little boy body, he would stay mine.
I could freeze time, just by holding him, just by sitting very still in this one spot. And when I put him down, as I would have to do eventually, the freezing of time would no longer be possible.
And just like that he will grow and grow and grow until he is grown.
There is no denying it.
Enjoy it while they’re little. Everyone says so. They grow so fast.
And that phrase seems both so totally true and so totally false at the same time, because in the day to day of it nothing seems fast at all. A meal can take an eternity. A sleepless night a lifetime. And yet everyone says so:
They grow so fast.
And so I want to hold him in my arms a little longer today, because already my baby is gone. Already there is a little boy in his place.
And one day not too far in the future there will be an older boy in his place, and then a teenager, and then a young man. And so I keep holding him: heavy on my shoulder, the weight of him substantial, in his nursery where time stands still.
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Oh, Liz, this one cut me to the core. I could feel every accurate and beautiful word here. I know. I know. Thank you for this. My dad died yesterday morning and I have been away from Maris. I’m shattered and I miss her too. Talk soon.
Lovely!
Beautiful… Tears…. Holding my baby a bit closer…
I’m not even sure what to say about this one. I came here looking for a quick laugh and instead you’ve got me crying at my desk, first thing on a Monday morning.
Seriously though, this was beautiful and so, so timely. I noticed a couple months ago that C no longer smelled like a baby. And although my husband looked at me like I had 3 heads when I told him that, I’m sure you know exactly what I meant. When did it disappear? Where did that little bald guy GO to? It’s heartbreaking once you realize how quickly it all goes by, and that you can never get it back. It’s a great reminder to savor each moment.
Erin – I know, I almost issued a warning at the top of the post that there is no punchline! Haha, sorry for the morning cry. But seriously where did our babies go??
You really know how to tug on my heart strings!! My son is 10 months this week and he gets bigger everyday. It’s crazy.
This got me. My beautiful baby girl is only 9 weeks, but I already see her changing so much. She is more alert, assertive, and engaged – which is wonderful – but I was so sad to see her newborn clothes no longer fit. I’m enjoying being a mother than I ever could have imagined, but nobody warned me about the constant emotional tug-of-war between being elated and terrified by the rate at which our children grow up.
This is a beautiful post! It is scary and beautiful at the same time how quickly they change before your very eyes! xxx
A THOUSAND TIMES YES. And beautifully put. I am going through the box of first year clothes today for a friend who is having a baby and it brings back such sensual memories. I started writing around the time when my daughter was a year and a half – it is about the time that the sands seemed to shift. Really gorgeous post.
Thanks Leslie, that comment means a lot coming from you!
I absolutely love this! My babies are 7 (turns 8 in june) and my youngest is 2. I swear it feels like yesterday that I was rocking and nursing my sweet tiny baby who is almost 8. I feel like time with my 2 year old is going by so fast that it doesn’t seem like he was even a baby if that makes sense. it is truly bittersweet to watch them grow. I want so badly for them to stay little forever but also want to watch them grow into the amazing men I know they will be.
I know what you mean about it seeming like they never even were those tiny little babies. The whole thing is so surreal…