Today my baby became a little boy.
The change has been coming for a while, even if I didn’t quite realize it. His movements shifting slowly. A difference in his stance, his face, his gait.
I didn’t see it happen even though I saw it happen, every second of it. That’s the way it always is, isn’t it?
I nursed my baby before his nap today, and when we were done (and we’re almost done now, for good) he had changed.
Asleep in my arms it was clear. In my baby’s place was a little boy: Messy boyish hair, long limbs, lean body replacing the pudgy body I’ve grown used to.
There was no denying it.
And so I held him today for longer than usual.
I held him like the little boy that he is now: head heavy on my shoulder, the weight of him substantial.
I let him sleep on my shoulder for a long time, knowing that as long as I sat there holding him, feeling the heavy weight of his little boy body, he would stay mine.
I could freeze time, just by holding him, just by sitting very still in this one spot. And when I put him down, as I would have to do eventually, the freezing of time would no longer be possible.
And just like that he will grow and grow and grow until he is grown.
There is no denying it.
Enjoy it while they’re little. Everyone says so. They grow so fast.
And that phrase seems both so totally true and so totally false at the same time, because in the day to day of it nothing seems fast at all. A meal can take an eternity. A sleepless night a lifetime. And yet everyone says so:
They grow so fast.
And so I want to hold him in my arms a little longer today, because already my baby is gone. Already there is a little boy in his place.
And one day not too far in the future there will be an older boy in his place, and then a teenager, and then a young man. And so I keep holding him: heavy on my shoulder, the weight of him substantial, in his nursery where time stands still.
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Holly
I happened to come across this today of all days, my sons second birthday! The reality of him growing into this little, independent person was like a punch in the chest for me. He is my only child, the one I was never supposed to have because of infertility, and yet I was blessed with him naturally anyway! After I read this, I looked at my son harder than I ever have, and I realized how grown up he is. How independent and strong he is. I still see him as my chubby cheeked infant, but the reality is, he has confidence in his stride and does more on his own than with help from us. He is getting longer and leaner, and quickly losing that baby look. Honestly it’s a little terrifying, but reading this helped me to realize I don’t need to be scared of him growing so quickly. I need to enjoy those wild and crazy days with him, and then when all is quiet, I need to cherish the fact that he is still my baby and hold him close while I can!
Liz
Oh, I love this comment! That’s exactly it- not to be sad that they are growing, but to take the time to really take in the moments of their “littleness” while you have it. Happy birthday to your little boy!