Dear Prince-Baby George,
I hear that you’re no longer an only child.
(I would be remiss not to point out that in this Special Collector’s Edition of People your mom looks so happy that it is as if she is staring directly into the faces of 1,000 sunlit puppies. I don’t remember her looking quite that glowing following your birth, but my memory isn’t 100% on this.)
Not to state the obvious here, but this is a disaster. I’m not sure how this happened. I gave you incredibly sound advice to ensure that your parents would NOT have Royal Baby 2.0, but it seems like maybe your crown got in the way of your hearing ears. Ears need to be kept free and clear, George. I can’t believe I even have to tell you that.
Let’s not dwell on your resounding defeat. You are officially a former only child (this is one step up from being a former child star, but only slightly. You still run the risk of ending up on Celebrity Apprentice at some point). Charlotte is here, and based on the glow emanating from your mom’s every last pore and hair follicle I think she wants to keep the baby.
Not to add salt to the wound, but your great grandmother has gone ON THE RECORD as saying “We love having another girl!”
Wow. If that’s not a slap in the royal face then I don’t know what is, George.
(If you’re feeling terrible right now maybe consider talking to your uncle Harry. I mean, he was knocked another notch away from the throne by a baby who doesn’t even have appreciable trunk strength yet. That’s gotta hurt).
In light of the fact that the only way upward is onward, let’s get right to work.
Tips on Managing a New Baby
- Pretend Charlotte is a cat. You like cats, don’t you George? Of course you do. All toddlers like cats. Look at your cat/sister from a distance, then periodically approach her from the side until she starts to recognize your scent. This is the best way to gain her trust, which will be important so that you can steal her toys later.
- Mark your territory. I don’t want to be explicit here, but I am going to be explicit here: Pee on the rugs. All the rugs. And the toys. And your parents. Charlotte doesn’t know yet what is rightfully yours. Show her with your urine.
- Invest in some noise canceling headphones. I recommend a brand that will play the soothing sounds of Enya into your ears. Charlotte is going to make a lot of noise, because babies think that they are at a rave. They like to stay up all night and party. They yell and they forget what their names are. You don’t want to live at a rave, George. Trust me.
- Now this is a long-shot and I’ll admit that, but practice repeating after me: “Mama, put baby back in tummy?” Say this with wide-eyes when you’re at your peak daily cuteness, so probably right after your nighttime bath when you’re wearing footy pajamas.
- Become the favorite child. This shouldn’t be hard. Have you looked at yourself lately? You are like a baby Robert Redford. Charlotte is an infant. And you know what? Infants look like a cross between undercooked hams and pugs. No offense to Charlotte here. She will be a beauty in no time, so don’t dilly dally. Right now she is a glorified fetus, so you have a distinct edge. It’s not too soon to start strutting around with a little swagger, all I’m sayin’. And for goodness sake, stop being lazy with the hair gel. This is the time to highlight the fact that you have hair.
George, I don’t want you to worry too much that you’ve been replaced. I mean, of course you have in fact been replaced. But you have a lot going for you and I really believe that you can and will thrive despite Charlotte.
(Unless she happens to sleep through the night early on, in which case you’re screwed. If that happens she will be top dog for sure, so you might as well start hunting for another palace now. I hear interest rates are still quite low).
Your Brother In Diapers