20 Ways to Spot a First-Time Mom from a Mile Away

I love you so much I just want to eat you.

These all applied to me in the first 6-8 months of Nolan’s life. Some probably still do, actually. Although I’m really good at taking  showers, lately. I don’t mean to brag, but I am. I even use conditioner periodically.

20 Ways to Spot a First-Time Mom from a Mile Away….

• She posts a dozen photos of her kid’s first trip to the mall on Facebook, including captions imagining what her baby is saying.

• She is lugging two diaper bags, a Pack ‘N Play, a portable swing and a jogging stroller for a trip to the post office. She forgets to bring the letter she was supposed to mail on account of the fact that she has an entire day care center strapped to her back.

• She’s wearing her baby in a trendy wrap, skin to skin, even though it is 90 degrees out and the baby looks like he wants an air conditioner and some personal space.

• She has a fear of cutting her baby’s nails, revealing her belief that such an activity is roughly on par with playing Russian Roulette in terms of likelihood to cause bodily harm.

• She cannot yet perform other high stakes tasks on her baby such as taking a rectal temperature. For a new mom this task carries the unmistakable fear of destroying her precious cargo. The rectal is really easy in reality, but let’s be honest – nobody wants to be the first one to stick anything into the great beyond of their baby’s nether regions. It’s probably how Lewis and Clark felt at some point.

• She hasn’t showered in days, and this fact is immediately apparent because she will tell you, upon first greeting, that she has not, in fact, showered in days. She will say this will a small, wistful shrug, as if showers are a thing of a distant and magical past.

• She has begun referring to women she has met on the Facebook “mommy” forums as if they are not strangers on the internet but are, in fact, close friends and also medical professionals who can be called upon to weigh in on her child’s rash.

• When asked what she does all day she stares blankly ahead. She knows she does things all day. A lot of things. When asked to name those things she will adopt a semi-catatonic state. [Continue Reading on The Stir]