For the weekend we were a family of four.
It wasn’t for long, of course, and it was our secret. Your existence most alive in our heads.
But not entirely.
The second faint line – it was there. The doctor saw it. I saw it (you), too. You were there, little more than a shadow. But you existed. You were a flicker.
And those few days were nice, weren’t they? The planning. The imagining. The (guarded) celebrating. We always knew it was too early to really relax with you. We knew the faint line signaling your existence might just as easily be gone tomorrow. But oh, the hopes that come forward anyway. How can they not?
The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. Your brother joyfully oblivious.
I felt you both. A mother of two! My kids; one holding my hand, both holding my heart and you, a great unknown still.
And then just like that you were gone.
The last weekend of summer was the first and only weekend we had with you. We spent it at Story Land. I love that. At the beginning, in our earliest days, we’re all partly the story our parents tell themselves, aren’t we?
In another day and age we wouldn’t have even known you’d existed. There would have been no early test. There would have been no tears.
But I’m glad we knew.
The last weekend of summer – our only weekend together – was perfect.
<3
I’m sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to me, when we were trying for our first, on the same weekend – Labor Day 2012. I have a beautiful toddler now but I still remember at this time of year. Let yourself grieve. Big hugs.
Liz… I am so sorry for your loss… I have been there… 3 times actually…. Have faith and continue to take comfort in your perfect little boy. ❤️
My heart breaks for you. As I too have known about 3 siblings for my son that have never came to be this year too.
xoxo
I am so so sorry Liz. I cried reading this. I went through a miscarriage myself before I had my son and your words brought back so many feelings. In spite of the pain, I was glad I knew too. Those few happy days imagining my little one and loving it already are painful looking back, but I cherish them still and always think of that other baby as my first one, never to be forgotten. Big hugs.
Oh, Liz……My heart is just breaking for you. I know you will understand when I say that I know just how devastating it is. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Brian. I hope you have been able to make your peace with it. Your readers, like myself, are here for you.
Sending the best of thoughts to you and Brian. One of the surprisingly tough things about loss is that no one seems to talk about it. Of course, I couldn’t keep it in (which led to some awkward conversations). So thank you for sharing. Your community of peeps is here for you, and we’re sending love and light your way.
Been there. Twice. It sucks. 🙁
As is your style, you’ve found a beautiful way to share a heartbreaking experience.
I’m officially on Team Liz, sending positive energy and hope your way.
Oh, Liz, I know your pain and I grieve with you. My second pregnancy was confirmed on a Sunday morning 19 years ago and ended as I cried at my desk at work in a phone call to my doctor the following Tuesday. The time was short, but the joy was real. The hope was real. The plans were real. I went on to conceive Joshua a few months later. Prayers of comfort and healing to you, my friend…
*Hugs*
Oh Liz, I have been down this road many times, and I hurt for you… But I am so grateful for your perspective. I had not thought of my own secret children for a long time, and I am needed to cry for them again. Thank you for this precious gift of tears. They can be so healing.
Rock on, Sister. Please keep thrilling us with your thoughts, for they are valued and refreshing.
I’m glad this was helpful to you Lauren. I wrote it mostly to try to process it for myself, but when I finished it I realized it might help some other people as well.
Oh. This. I know all too well. Hugs.
Liz…. this is just an extraordinarily beautiful and heart wrenching piece. You have such courage to have shared this experience so poignantly. Like so many, I have experienced this too…. long long ago… and even for those who have not… your story is one of joy as well as pain. thank you.
Thanks Mrs. Atwood. I appreciate it.
I’m so sorry Liz. I’m glad you knew too.
I’m so sorry. ?
So bittersweet, the knowing. ((Hugs))
I’m sad, for all concerned. What a beautiful acknowledgment/tribute. Love you lots. Your buddy. P.S. I’m here for you, always.
Liz, I am so sorry for you loss. I know those words don’t offer much because I have been there myself. Praying for you and Brian.
Beautifully written once again, Liz. So sorry for your loss. XOXOX
I too feel the sadness in your heart. I have been there also…too many times…4 to be exact. It hurts, gets better, but never totally goes away…<3
Going through this multiple times must be so hard, I’m so sorry. In writing this post I can’t believe how many people have been in touch that they’ve experienced the same thing, often more than once. It’s more people than we realize.
Been there too. So sorry. Amazing how many plans I made ( they stayed locked away in my head) for something that would be longer by the end of the week. I just like to think that he/she wasn’t meant to be, wasn’t healthy and wasn’t ready to join our family quite yet.
I am so sorry- this is beautifully written. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. It is so important for women to share this loss as such a part of life.
Oh, I am so sorry. What a special memory that weekend makes for you! Thank you for writing about something so personal to help others who may be able to relate.
Very sad. I’m so sorry. I know the feeling and am a good listener if you want to talk. Big hugs.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I know the pain very well too. It’s strange that so many women miscarry, yet we don’t talk about it much. Thanks for sharing and all the best!
Sorry that you’ve had to go through it too Em. It’s hard because right from the start you can’t help but imagine what things will be like.
Liz, very sorry for your loss .Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute, its not an easy subject to talk about. I recently experienced the same loss, and have spent the past few months being upset/confused/angry, so thank you for reminding me that our weekend too was special!! Lots of love to you & your family. xoxo
I’m feeling very down today, but I’m glad that we had that weekend altogether as a family, even if it was a fleeting thing. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the same…
Liz
I am so happy that you, Brian, Nolan and your little angel had time to spend together on your weekend as one one joyous family.
Sadly the time you had was short lived but the memories of what you had will stay in your heart and keep a warm place tucked inside you whenever you need it. You are a mother who brings great joy to Nolan and who will bring more joy to all those around you.
We are all lucky to share your love.
So sorry Liz, been there 4 times. Never gets any easier and always stings no matter how early or short. Thinking of you!
I’m so sorry Liz.
Been there more times than I wish to count. This is your story (beautifully written, I might add) and my intention isn’t to step on it. More just to let you know you are not alone. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best.
This is gorgeously written, really vibrant and loving. That’s so shitty, Liz. I’m sad you are experiencing loss like that. I know this post will make many women know that they are connected to others even in their grief, that they are not alone in their pain and joy.
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been there, too, but before my now-little-one was here, and after 15 weeks with our missing babe. Losing something so important is never easy. I love the way you’re commemorating your little shadow love. 🙂
Whatever will be, will be. Que sera, sera.
Thinking of you. So sorry.
I’m so sorry. I feel like you perfectly expressed my own experience. For us it was just over two years ago. We were elated to have gotten pregnant so quickly with our second child after having to try so long for our first. And then, just like that, he (I’m convinced the baby was another boy) was gone. Even though we now have a beautiful, feisty 17-month-old daughter to keep our son company, I sometimes still miss that baby we never got to meet. I’m so sorry you have to live this too.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage last winter, and I found the hush-hush around early pregnancy and miscarriage to be so unhelpful. Thank you for posting this!
Oh Liz, I’m so sorry to read this. I had a similar situation after my second. I thought I was all done with a boy and a girl and wasn’t trying for a third when I got the second blue line. It was pretty amazing how quickly it went from doubting if I even wanted a third to begin with to making plans and feeling excited. By the end of the weekend though, it was gone. At the time I wished I hadn’t taken the test and never even knew but, like you, now I’m glad I knew.
Thinking about you little buddy.
Dearest Liz,
I’m so sorry to hear this news for you and your husband. My thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.
God bless your family.
Michaela
That’s the positives of it I guess. Lost our 2nd this year 3 days ago. I worry that these little cracks in my heart will never fade, just like the love for my living children. How do we cope with the questions.. “which pregnancy is this,? How many kids do you have now?”
I’m with you same thing just happened to me albeit it second time round with two kids in between. I’m surprisingly calm about it all but I was moving house and kids starting two new schools so I didn’t have time to stress. We’ve just got a whole box of trees for the yard so might steal that idea
Kx
I’ve been reading your blog since Nolan was a young baby. I have a daughter just a couple months younger than him. I don’t comment often, but I just wanted to say that I was so grateful for this post and have shared it with many. I started miscarrying what would have been our second on Friday and as I sat at home crying I came to your blog to find this post. I’m so sorry for your loss. You’ve been in my thoughts all weekend. Praying for strength for us both.
Rose, I’m really really sorry you’re going through the same thing. Sending well wishes your way….I know how tough it is.
Big hugs to you. Your child, no matter how long they are your child, always leaves a lasting mark on your heart. We experienced the same at 9 weeks with our first when a heartbeat couldn’t be found. It was devastating for us, as I am sure it is for you, but I am glad we knew, too. A tree is a perfect tribute.
I’d also like to thank you for writing this. I agree with others that this is something we don’t typically talk about or share. And in my life it has been something that not a lot of people I know understand why it is so heartbreaking even though a few months later our little one was there and growing quickly and healthy. I am so happy to see how many people in the comments also have been through this, which is odd to say that I am happy about something like that.
Anyways, I truly hope things work out for you soon. So many hugs, if you will have them from someone you don’t know, and thank you for writing something so beautiful but also sad.
Thank you Monica. I think reading other women’s stories just helps to make us feel less alone. I appreciate your well wishes and I’m sorry for your losses.
Thank you so much for this post. I recently had a miscarriage last month. We found out I was pregnant on a Sunday and suffered the loss within a week. It was a short time, but it was beautiful when it lasted. The planning, the what-ifs made us so happy to think about. It’s nice to know that we’re not alone in this, even though it feels so isolating.
Good luck to you! You look like such a great mama. Here’s to a successful pregnancy in the near future!
Thanks so much Gina, what a nice comment to get. I agree it does feel isolating. I think it helps to talk about it. I’m so sorry for your recent loss and I’ll keep hopeful for both of us.
The same thing happened to me. We only knew for a week but then 3 months later those 2 lines appeared again and our precious Emmy is now 2!
Chelsea, I’m so glad you have Emmy. Also that is one of my favorite all-time names.
I found your blog via your post on Scary Mommy today. Thank you for sharing your story – one that is more common than most people realize.
As a neighbor west of Boston, outside of Worcester, I’d like to say that Story Land is the best – we go every year!
It is the best! I loved it. I went as a kid but didn’t remember much. We’ll be going back for sure.
Thanks so much for this beautiful post. We weren’t at Storyland this weekend, but with that small exception your experience mirrors mine. I’m sorry for your loss and so grateful to you for helping me to process my own.
So sorry to hear this Andrea. I’m glad the post is helping you in some way, even though I know it’s very rough. xx
this is so beautifully written. and a great perspective on miscarriage. it hurts. and sucks. but how amazing to even get that. babies are a complete miracle, every. single. one of them. no matter how short or long their lives are. many hugs and much love to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Liz, and I hope you have given yourself the permission and time to truly grieve. This was truly a beautiful tribute and such a wonderful way to honor and love a life briefly lived. Thank you for sharing it.
Our experiences are similar. I miscarried in December. We had one weekend, but it felt like a lifetime. We went to a holiday event with friends and I remember trying to hide the fact that I wasn’t drinking and feeling so giddy and excited about it. After I miscarried, I felt so silly about that. But now, months later, I realize that the little life I was so giddy about was real. It was perfectly normal for me to be excited and hopeful and to plan and dream. And I’m glad I did. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Liz,
I only know you virtually, but just wanted to say that I miss you. My loss was also horrible, and I still feel that hole even after the birth of our sweet girl. I hope you’re smiling much more again these days.
Tight squeeze,
April
Thank you for your post. I lost my little girl, Rose, at 14 weeks this Labor Day weekend. It is so important for us to share our stories of loss. It helps others feel like they are not alone in their grief.