You may or may not be aware of this, but you have an amazing asset at your disposal. Your baby. Now, I know that you love your baby so much and that you would do anything for your baby. I know that you “didn’t have the baby primarily for social reasons.” Of course I know that. But. I also want to make sure that you understand how very valuable your baby is to you, socially speaking. Your baby is, hands down, your #1 Wingman, with your cell phone in second place and your life partner or best friend a distant third.
In case you’re unclear of how you can best be using your baby to your advantage, let me highlight the key features of the socially handy baby. The Baby Wingman, if you will.
1. The most traditional way you can use your baby as a wingman is to pick up dates. Now, if you have a baby there is at least a reasonable chance you have a partner. No problem. You can loan out your baby as a wingman to your friends (or use him or her yourself if you’re a single parent). Babies make excellent bait on dating websites such as Tinder and Match.com. I think. There is a slight chance that appearing with a baby would be seen as a negative. But I’m banking on it making you look child-friendly and therefore desirable to mates.
Here is an actual picture of Nolan that was used on Tinder, with the face of our bachelor friend blocked out, as not to blow up his spot in the dating world. What says “I’d be an excellent father!” more than posing with a baby dressed in a bear suit? Nothing, that’s what.
2. Feel like you have trouble looking put together? No problem. Baby wingman will easily distract people from seeing what a mess you are, because people will instead go right to baby wingman to admire her adorable pudge. This draws attention away from your pudge. Also, if you, say, spill both hot sauce and coffee on your pastel shirt (as I maybe did last week) – easy! Throw baby wingman in an Ergo to cover the mess and you’re good as new.
Your baby wingman can even be worked into your accessory “theme,” a veritable extension of your outfit! Who doesn’t enjoy this look?
And while we’re on the subject of accessories; if you, like me, have trouble with a “Costanza wallet” – your baby wingman can help there too! Simply toss your wallet into the diaper bag or stroller, and stop looking like a buffoon!
3. Your baby wingman can help you meet new friends. This, in fact, is one of the main roles of the baby wingman. Your baby wingman simply needs to accompany you to venues where you are likely to interact with other parents, and then ideally he or she will spit up, or make some other minor commotion that will give you the opportunity to make eye contact with the other parent in a way that says, “oh man, these babies!” A baby wingman can secure friends for you far more quickly than you’ll be able to do on your own, unless you’re a particularly dazzling conversationalist.
4. Your baby wingman is helpful in terms of making friends, but just as critically he is helpful in giving you a ready excuse to get out of activities that you’d like to avoid. Here’s an example:
Boring Acquaintance: “Want to meet Mr. Borington and me for dinner at 7:00?”
Parent in possession of Baby Wingman: “Ooooh, I wish we could, but my baby (wingman) will absolutely lose his mind if we stay out that late! He just gets SO TIRED! So sorry to have to miss it!”
Your baby wingman is also helpful when you’re already at an event and would like to bow out early.
Parent in possession of Baby Wingman: “Oh, Jill and Stephen, we would so love to stay for another round of Jenga, but baby (wingman) is on the verge of a meltdown. (note: if your baby wingman appears to be totally calm and decidedly NOT on the verge of a meltdown, you will have to invoke your “maternal instincts” and say something like, “He looks ok now, but you see how he’s touching his ear? That’s his tell. We only have a matter of minutes before he EXPLODES.”
5. People are very nice to you when you have a baby. Not even just when you deliver the baby, but for at least like a year afterwards. Strangers, especially. Baby wingman will come in handy when you’re waiting in a long line. You will find people saying things like, “Oh, let her go first, she has a baby!” which is particularly helpful if you are the kind of person who likes to avoid lines. That would be all of us, correct? Doesn’t matter that you are in no rush, baby wingman will expedite your entire day, leaving you extra time to do things like catalogue your purees and update your Tinder profile.
6. Baby wingmen give you something to focus on at parties other than the cheese platter. If you’re a socially awkward type, and you spend the majority of your time at social gatherings pretending to check your phone or feigning interest in the appetizer spread, now you have a perfect point of focus: your needy baby. Now you can pretend to be caring for your baby, rather than pretending to study cheese (That being said, cheese is extremely captivating).
7. One of the most handy ways to use your baby wingman is in restrooms. If you are taking too long doing your “business”, and someone knocks on the door, just yell out “So sorry, I’m changing the baby!” This is technically a lie. But a very well placed lie that will save you from humiliation.
A word of caution on this one though: I recently used a restroom at a store where the staff accompanies you to the back section where the bathrooms are located, and WAITS OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR after letting you in. First, WTF?! Second, man is that stressful. Anyway I was taking forever, and when I finally finished up I gave an apologetic shrug and pointed to Nolan. I was all, “Sorry, just had to take care of this guy, he needed a change.” And then I realized that I had absolutely no bag or anything with me that would have allowed me to change him, which I’m sure the clerk noticed. So, if you’re using this strategy make damn sure you have a diaper bag with you as a prop, or else you will only have doubled your humiliation.