Dear Fellow Toddlers,
Easter is right around the corner. This is an expression, in case you’re at this very moment looking around an actual corner, perhaps of a wall, for Easter. You will not find it. What I meant is that Easter is happening soon. (Why didn’t I just say that the first time?)
Easter brings many things: religious enthusiasm, grown men dressed as gigantic bunnies at the mall, the resurgence of Peeps. It’s an amazing holiday and the centerpiece of this amazing-ness is the Easter Egg Hunt (also, church). Today we are going to focus on the egg hunt.
I don’t want to be rude, but my family is completely insane when it comes to Easter. Seriously, something is wrong with them. Our egg hunt is Lord of the Flies in pastel, and as the youngest competitor quite frankly I’m scared.
So, I’ve prepared a list of handy Easter Egg Hunting tips for you, my fellow toddlers, in the event that you find yourselves engaged in hand to hand combat for chocolates on a day that is supposed to be reserved for celebrating the Lord.
Tip #1 Wear a bonnet. Fact: Since before the days of Jesus people have enjoyed toddlers in bonnets. You want to be enjoyed come egg hunt day because the more people focus on how adorable you are, the less likely they’ll be to trip you when you’re lunging at Cadburys. Your bonnet will also serve double duty as a way to keep your actions covert, like tinted windows but for your face.
Tip #2 Do not sleep for three days leading up to the annual egg hunt. Ask yourself this: does sleeping speed you up or speed you down? (Hint: Have you ever seen a sleeping person win a road race? Me neither). Play it safe and do not sleep for 72 hours before the big day. Listen to the Beastie Boys’ classic No Sleep Till Bunnnnnies and drink some Gatorade, you’ll be fine.
Tip #3 Don’t let your family know how athletic and smart you are. Egg hunts heavily favor those with athletic prowess and intellectual savvy. Do you have both? Good (and of course you do). Ideally your family will underestimate you. Mine has always underestimated me, which is how last night I was able to remove all of the toilet paper from the house before they could catch me. Quick feet, sharp mind. To ensure underestimation you may need to delay achieving certain developmental milestones for a few additional months. Extreme? I don’t think so.
Tip #4 Play possum (briefly!) in the middle of egg territory. The goal is this: startle the competition just enough that they lose focus. As soon as they come to check on you, spring up from the ground in a reenactment of the resurrection. This will allow you to celebrate the spirit of the holiday and also potentially claim 1-2 additional eggs for yourself.
Tip #5 Scout out the playing field in advance. Where is your field of play? Is it at Grandma and Grandpa’s? A church basement? The town commons? You need to know in advance so that you can get a comprehensive overview of the terrain. Make sure that you’ve walked the grounds a minimum of seven times before the big day. Don’t be lazy.
Tip #6 (For the parents). Slow your roll. That’s right, you heard me. It’s an egg hunt. For children. Your egg-hunting prime ended when you were nine. Play Springsteen’s Glory Days if you’re that hard up for nostalgia, and hum it to yourself if you feel the urge to trample a toddler over chocolates that you could just go buy at CVS. You have money and a car, and your toddler doesn’t, remember?
Also, for my diapered friends: If you want to be inspired by a kid who GETS IT DONE, just check out the 4 year old girl who hopped a bus solo at 3 A.M. in search of a Slushie. Imagine that kid at an egg hunt. Now go be that kid.