Recently it came to my attention that I’m an ineffective landlord. Just last week I found a tiny ant in my underwear while I was wearing them. He (or she!) was just hanging out like (s)he owned the place. What?! It begs the question of how many ants live in my undergarments without my consent. And my underwear aren’t even rent controlled!

The ant squatter got me to thinking about how I’m also an ineffective landlord when it comes to my baby. As we approach the one year anniversary of Nolan’s residency in our house (also known as his 1st birthday), I’m taking a closer look at his standing as a tenant. The one year mark is, after all, the crossroads at which a lease is renewed (or not). Nolan has already been evicted once, from the studio apartment of my womb, and I’m not afraid to do it again.

For the sake of efficiency I’ll be focusing on the most flagrant violations of the terms of lease that I’ve documented this year. I encourage you to take a look at your own child to determine whether he or she is an acceptable tenant. If you’ve noticed violations in your home but have failed to properly document them, I suggest you contact an attorney. Many if not all babies are aware that possession is nine tenths of the law.

Outline of Lease Violations

1. Failure to pay rent

When’s the last time your kid got his rent in on time? Oh, wait, never? Yes that’s right, never. Nolan seems to think that the privilege of watching him meet his milestones is payment enough. He is wrong. He’s also been late with every physical milestone, which makes him late with his “rent” as far as we’re concerned.

2. Repeated noise violations

Hotels enforce a period of quiet from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM, and with good reason. Ask yourself this – is your child following this silence norm and being a decent human being? Or is your child making a ruckus at any old hour of the night, at his or her whim? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Strike two.

3. Overuse of utilities

Huge issue. Our washer and dryer have been running without stop, straight through since last October. Even though I don’t want to point fingers, this is entirely Nolan’s fault. My non-typing finger is actually pointing directly at him.  I’m not the one with feces regularly shooting up my back, all I’m sayin’.

4. Failure to clean up after oneself

Um, yes.

5. Disregard for common spaces

Is no place sacred anymore? Is your entire home a playroom? Do you have to step over rattles and books and balls and bunnies and assorted rubber ducks in your living room? In your bedroom? In your bathroom? Notice that none of those rooms are called “the nursery,” which is where your tenant-baby should be residing.

Does this look like a nursery to you?

6. Improper disposal of hazardous waste

Does defecating in one’s own bed sound like proper disposal of hazardous waste? How about vomiting on the floor and then continuing to play around the puddle? No? Eating unidentified bits of refuse off of the floor? What about sticking your hands into your soiled diaper and then directly into your own mouth? No again? I rest my case.

7. Willful destruction of property

Does your tenant-baby appear to have been bred partly from a bloodline of beavers? Do you find assorted books with the corners gnawed off? Worse, do you find the side of the wooden crib gnawed off? This is no innocent mistake. Your baby is willfully destroying private property, and you are a fool to think otherwise. Your baby is counting on you thinking like a fool, because new parents are known for buffoonery. Don’t fall into this trap. And remember, beavers are known liars, and so are babies.

Gnawing away on his toys.

Now that I’ve reviewed the facts, it’s hard to argue persuasively that Nolan should have his lease renewed. Problem is, I don’t totally feel comfortable with dropping him off in a basket on the doorsteps of a church either.

I’ll have to sleep on this one.

Who else is renewing their baby’s lease? If enough of you are strict landlords perhaps the ousted babies can get together and form a commune, where everyone eats Puffs and nobody ever watches Calliou because communes don’t usually have cable. Just something to think about.

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