Dear Santa,
You may already be aware that there is a creepy little Elf running around the country and pretending to work for you. He spies on kids for the sole purpose of ratting them out, which to me is not in the spirit of the holiday. Getting into fist fights at Best Buy on Black Friday -that is in the spirit of the holiday. This Elf character also gets into all sorts of “mischief” and “shenanigans” around the house, like a whimsical Peeping Tom. Please don’t let the whimsy distract you from the peeping.
I’m not sure who hired this narc. I highly doubt Rudolph had his hooves in this, and according to my sources the Virgin Mary rarely gets involved in reconnaissance. I can only conclude that the Elf is an interloper. He repulses me, Santa, the way that peas repulse me. He is the character form of a pea puree. And he is violating my privacy, much the way my parents violate my privacy with a video monitor. A sound monitor I can understand, but a video monitor? They need to watch me sleep why exactly? I know I look angelic but still, it’s like they’re just trying to be creeps. I bet they love the Elf!
I’m not sure you have time to handle this situation, what with all of your many mall appearances. So I’d like to offer myself up as the “Muscle of the North Pole.” Look at my abs. I think the intimidation factor is clear.
I will handle the Elf. Give me 2 days. Or give me an aggressive reindeer and we can handle this in one day. Your choice.
Try not to lose any sleep over this Santa. I have your back. As long as you have mine come Christmas morning.
Your compatriot,
Nolan
Elizabeth @ bowl of delicious!
Thank you, Nolan, for FINALLY explaining what elf on the shelf actually is! I’ve been wondering for a while now. Good luck in your quest. Not that you need it.
Liz
Nolan doesn’t need luck when he has those abs. But he does appreciate your well wishes!
Jen W
I think mommies everywhere will appreciate Nolan’s efforts. Who needs another little creature making a mess in the house? I have nephews for that! Ha!
Liz
Exactly? Nolan said, and I quote, “ain’t nobody got time for that”.
Erin H.
I wil happily rely on the creepiness factor to avoid doing the Elf on the Shelf, rather than admit that I’d just rather bake cookies. I maintain the right to change my mind at some point, but it’s unlikely. Because, chocolate.
Shannon
Nolan, I completely and utterly agree with you. He’s totally a creep.
I actually wrote a post myself talking about why I will never get my kid an Elf on the Shelf: http://welleatyouupweloveyouso.com/2014/12/22/why-i-will-never-buy-elf-on-the-shelf/