You may already be aware that there is a creepy little Elf running around the country and pretending to work for you. He spies on kids for the sole purpose of ratting them out, which to me is not in the spirit of the holiday. Getting into fist fights at Best Buy on Black Friday -that is in the spirit of the holiday. This Elf character also gets into all sorts of “mischief” and “shenanigans” around the house, like a whimsical Peeping Tom. Please don’t let the whimsy distract you from the peeping.
I’m not sure who hired this narc. I highly doubt Rudolph had his hooves in this, and according to my sources the Virgin Mary rarely gets involved in reconnaissance. I can only conclude that the Elf is an interloper. He repulses me, Santa, the way that peas repulse me. He is the character form of a pea puree. And he is violating my privacy, much the way my parents violate my privacy with a video monitor. A sound monitor I can understand, but a video monitor? They need to watch me sleep why exactly? I know I look angelic but still, it’s like they’re just trying to be creeps. I bet they love the Elf!
I’m not sure you have time to handle this situation, what with all of your many mall appearances. So I’d like to offer myself up as the “Muscle of the North Pole.” Look at my abs. I think the intimidation factor is clear.
I will handle the Elf. Give me 2 days. Or give me an aggressive reindeer and we can handle this in one day. Your choice.
Try not to lose any sleep over this Santa. I have your back. As long as you have mine come Christmas morning.