Hello!
Just a quick note – if you landed on this post because you are pregnant and are worried you have food poisoning – first, I’m sorry! That really sucks.
This is a satire post about how it’s hard to tell if you’re pregnant or sick with food poisoning, because both have the same symptoms! It’s not a medical post. If you’re looking for real information on food poisoning during pregnancy, here is a Web MD article that you may find helpful. Good luck! Now back to the post.
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Pregnancy symptoms are a mysterious thing.
Am I pregnant? Do I have PMS? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY BODY??? These are the questions that keep us up at night, as we ponder the great mystery that is the female reproductive system.
I threw up on Friday, out of left field. That afternoon I was having cramps and I needed a nap. Like really needed a nap. I cancelled my plans to go out, and then I got this text from my friend:
“Maybe you’re pregnant! Or ate undercooked chicken. Fine line between pregnancy and salmonella poisoning.”
YES. There is a VERY fine line between the two, which isn’t really convenient, now is it?
You’re stunning, Mother Nature, but you can be a real jackass.
As someone who is trying to get pregnant AND who eats a lot of foods of questionable sanitation (I’m looking at you, mall food court), it makes me wonder WTF Mother Nature was thinking when she designed this whole shebang anyway.
It’s almost like Mother Nature thinks she’s a comedian or something. And just to add a layer of screw you to the situation, somebody thought it would be a neat joke to make the symptoms of PMS basically the same, too.
Hysterical!
Mother Nature, listen: you were capable of designing the butterfly. Now THAT is a beautiful creature right there. Intricate artwork on a delicate frame. Amazing symmetry and color. Bravo!
Now, you’re telling me that you could work THAT out but you couldn’t make clearer the difference between the start of life, the consumption of bad chicken, and PMS? Really?
3 minutes in my brain:
I feel bloated. These jeans are TIGHT. I’m probably pregnant! Oh wait no I just have to go to the bathroom. Also those are size 4 and who am I kidding? That’s better. Not pregnant. Definitely no.
Why am I crying at this commercial?? So hormonal! Definitely pregnant. But that really was a good commercial. Anyone would cry at that commercial, right?
But damn these cramps do NOT feel regular. This is NOT what my period usually feels like. Or is it? Actually I can’t even remember what my period is supposed to feel like. But I know for SURE I don’t usually pee this often. Except when I drink juice. Yeah this always happens when I drink juice so it could be that. But between the peeing and the sore boobs I am definitely pregnant.
Unless my bra is too tight, because that plus the juice could do it too. But it doesn’t account for this sensitivity to smell I’m having. Man I smell EVERYTHING! Sure my husband is eating garlic bread so that does smell strong but never THIS strong. Nobody’s nose is this sensitive.
Also I can’t believe how queasy I am! Such a good sign! Unless it’s not, which it’s probably not because that cheese I had for lunch was expired.
Since being user-friendly doesn’t seem to be one of Mother Nature’s priorities, I’ve drafted up a handy reference sheet to help us decode whether we’re pregnant, have food poisoning, or are getting our periods.
Handy Reference Sheet
- Cramps may occur in implantation and PMS and food poisoning
- Bleeding may occur with either implantation or PMS
- Vomiting is a sign of pregnancy and food poisoning
- Constipation can be a sign of pregnancy or of eating too many steak subs
- During both early pregnancy and plain old PMS your breasts may feel more tender than usual
- An elevated body temperature can be a sign of food poisoning or ovulation
- Exhaustion can be a sign that you’re sick or pregnant or that you have a toddler or that you stayed up too late watching Scandal
- Sore breasts can be a sign of pregnancy or they can be a sign that you’ve been manhandling your chest for days as you try to determine if your breasts are sore (which you are obviously trying to determine because that is a clue that you’re pregnant).
I hope that helped.
Now get it together, Mother Nature. You’re confusing us (Although again, your work with butterflies was spectacular).
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Has anyone just known right away that you were pregnant? You could just TELL. I really want to know. Because I am NOT in that boat. I’m in some other boat…I’d like some anecdotes in the comments so that I can continue to try to figure out my body.
Love this article and so much truth! The picture if ?Nolan is adorable! Sorry, I don’t have an answer.
Thanks Marie! I had trouble finding a picture for this post, but I liked that one just because aside from being a jerk, Mother Nature is lovely.
Going through this exact song-and-dance right now. Was that implantation or just a regular old cramp? I’m right at the cusp of having or missing my period and about to go insane. I want to miss the period so bad, but I’m ready to just get my period already and stop worrying for another few weeks. Mother Nature, you’re a dick.
Haha, yes you ARE a dick Mother Nature! Good luck Abby! I don’t know you but I really hope you don’t get your period 🙂
Abby, we need to know…. 🙂
Because my body apparently likes to rebel, my early sign of pregnancy was the OPPOSITE of constipation, which can also be a sign of eating the wrong thing. A very wrong thing. That and loving chicken.
Yes! It can go both ways. It’s versatile like that.
Our bodies really need to update their system. Send a text or email saying “better luck next cycle…” Saves everyone some time and heartache.
Exactly! Why isn’t Apple on this??
Exactly! I receive a notification for a new update every ten seconds for my iPhone. The least Mother Nature could do is send Ryan Gosling to say “hey girl, it’s definitely PMS.”
One of my friends could tell just by looking at me, which was very weird !
I had a pregnancy scare weeks ago. I spent hours and hours scrutinizing every little symptoms (mind you while holding my 6 month old son). Then i got fed and bought a pregnancy test. Not pregnant . Let’s try it again next year, Mother Nature !!
Actually, when I was pregnant with Nolan a friend of mine told me she had a dream I was pregnant while I was ON MY WAY TO THE GYNO TO CONFIRM I WAS PREGNANT! How weird is that? I hadn’t told anyone!
Did I do that? (please read in Steve Urkel’s voice)
Whoa !!
Another laugh-out-loud post… thanks Liz! I also feel like this occurs in an outward-facing capacity as well. Like, “No, I’m NOT pregnant, I’m just bloated and don’t feel like sucking in the pooch I still have from that last baby… get off my shit!” (you know, while bloated and cranky and not even trying to get pregnant again yet). Also, I still have a bone to pick with Mother Nature about this past winter so lemme know if you happen to run into her…
I will let you know if I run into Mother Nature for sure. I didn’t even get into the whole winter-in-New England thing this time, but that is on my list of complaints as well.
Hahaha Lizard! You’ve really made me crack up this time! (Not rare) After going through years of fertility struggles I have been in this boat many times. I just wish this post existed then so I could get a chuckle out of it. You rock!
Amie! TTC is such a donkey show, seriously. I really can’t understand why this would be the system.
OMG, I love this post! It’s all so true. I know for me last time when I definitely thought I was pregnant I never was and the one month I was convinced I wasn’t, I was. So I say you know when you are pregnant when you think you aren’t!
Ok I’m going to go by this from now on. Thanks Erin. 🙂
Better yet, I get migraines and have an uneven cycle. Puking now. Could be baby, could be a late period. WOOOO.
It sounds like your body really likes to keep you on your toes Cat. So thoughtful of it!
I feel the same way about the symptoms of food poisoning and the stomach flu, which both have the EXACT SAME SYMPTOMS. How do I know what I had last week?!? I guess I never will. Super annoying.
Yup, it will remain one of the great mysteries of our time… Like the Loch Ness monster. And like how they ever thought they could get away with replacing the mother on Fresh Prince of Bel Air without anyone noticing.